Malkatraz prepares for Art School


"[Graphic novels are] not a form I know anything about
– I only found out a few weeks ago that there are even
stores that sell comics. I missed this."

Jimmy Cauty's stamps of mass destruction

T: TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

From Shop Talk: The Essential Vocabulary of the "Adult Novelty" Store, at Nerve by Nicky Beer:
My favorite dirty-movie title of all time is Girls Who Suck Cock and Eat Cum. Consider how much subterfuge and symbolism usually exist in the title of a novel, a poem, a painting. The title has to be a well-chosen phrase or word, the purpose of which is to seduce, deceive and enlighten. Often, it seems counterintuitive to its content. The Wizard of Oz is about a hallucinating Midwestern girl named Dorothy. According to any museum-going grade schooler, the decorously titled "Dejeuner Sur L'Herbe" should be called "Naked Chick Picnic." The relationship between title and content, or language and being, is one of friction and subversion. The name of a sex toy can't contain its possible uses or determine the gender or sexuality of its owner. The title is never shorthand for the story. The name is never a substitute for the person. The term is not the desire.
(Although that's a pretty persuasive hallucination, given that she starts taking her whole family back and forth between Oz and Kansas in the later books.)

ready.pop

interview with Paul Kelly, 1987

FOUND IN PRESERVATION. RUSHES TO 21:51 THEN ATMOS FROM 23:07 TO 29:54. PAUL KELLY CLIMBS A LADDER TO A ROOFTOP, TWICE. THE CAMERA WHEELS AROUND CRAZILY BEFORE FOCUSING ON A CLAPPERBOARD, THEN STAGGERING OFF DRUNK AGAIN. A MEDIUM LONG SHOT OF THE INTERVIEWER AND KELLY TALKING, MUTE (PRESUMABLY FOR V/O INTRO). FINALLY THE INTERVIEW OCCURS, A ONE-CAMERA JOB THAT ATTEMPTS TO PAN BETWEEN FEMALE INTERVIEWER AND KELLY, FREQUENTLY FAILING. WHEN HE DOESN'T ANSWER ONE QUESTION IN TIME, THEY CUT AND ASK AGAIN. TALKS ABOUT PLAYING LUBBOCK, TEXAS - HOME OF BUDDY HOLLY - AND BEING BAFFLED BY THE PROMO PIZZA PARTY THE LABEL HAD THEM PLAY...THEN TWO DAYS LATER SEEING "LA BAMBA", WHICH CONTAINS A PIZZA PARTY GRIN'N'GRIP. WHILE DISCUSSING CHANGING THE NAME OF THE COLOURED GIRLS FOR THE U.S., THE SCREEN GOES BLACK DUE TO FILM RUNNING OUT. SOUND KEEPS RUNNING WHILE THEY RELOAD. OFFERS SPORTS JOURNALISM AS AN ALTERNATIVE CAREER. CAMERA PANS TO BOOM AFTER INTERVIEW CLOSES. MORE MUTE MLS, & MCU, WITH HARBOUR BRIDGE IN B/G. THEN MUTE SHOTS FROM ROOF OF KELLY APPROACHING BUILDING, SHOTS OF AUSTRALIAN FLAG BLOWING IN WIND WITH WILD SOUND, NODDIES OF CUT-DOWN VERSIONS OF THE QUESTIONS FROM THE INTERVIEW. INTERVIEW HAS AWESOME SHAPED 80S HAIR. "FOR THE STATES YOU CHANGED THE NAME OF YOUR BAND FROM THE COLOURED GIRLS WLAH WLAH WLAH WLAH WLAH... I'M DOING IT AGAIN."

we love the Iraqi Information Minister

GTK 685, 21/06/1975

INTERVIEW WITH FRANK ZAPPA (ON TOUR IN AUSTRALIA) - WHOLE PROGRAMME. DISCUSSES CENSORSHIP OF HIS ALBUMS IN AUSTRALIA, LIMITATIONS OF PREVIOUS MOTHERS DRUMMERS, WANTING TO MAKE A SCIENCE-FICTION FILM ABOUT A GIANT SPIDER, A WOMAN 8 FEET TALL AND A CONMAN FROM EARTH... THE USUAL STUFF.

necrophilia expansion

Following on from yesterday's Popbitch, the people of the V have started dissecting the proposed new legislation against sexcrime1984 in the UK. Worth reading for the statute excerpts, let alone the mockery.

instant Millionaire

lots of stuff from this week's Popbitch

Necrophilia is about to get banned in Britain. The forthcoming Sexual Offences Bill includes a clause that will, for the first time, make it a crime to have sex with a corpse.

So girls, only a few months left before it's illegal to shag Mick Jagger.

(FYI: Morticians will be exempt from this law. As will those who penetrate any part of a dead body "fully believing the person to be alive, but who is in fact dead, or unexpectedly dies during intercourse".)

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In German, vaginal discharge is "sheidenflusskeit".
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Weird runt Emma Bunton is gunning for a new record deal. Simon Fuller's 19 Management have so far footed the bill for her new song and video.

Her promo photos are a work of art. Rather than the stumpy Mekon we know so well, there's a sun-kissed blonde with Jerry Hall legs. Fuller must still love her a lot, as the digital retouching bill alone was 24,000.

Emma rather confusingly describes her new record as: "very 60s, very classic, very contemporary".

In truth it is just very shit.

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Queen used to regularly hire out brothels for
their road crew. Which is nice.
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Which popstar is currently wearing a diamond ring given to her by her Britpop boyfriend... sadly oblivious to the fact that, before he gave it to her, he inserted it into the snatch of his OTHER girlfriend?

Which daughter-of-rockstar shagged her boyfriend with a strap-on... and then later invited people to smell it?

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smoke if you got 'em

2131 in the house

mp3s against war



back after a week off, the Rocking Vicar

TOM WAITS FOR NO ONE
Parishioner Ben McCormick: “Ronald Hackston has opened up a can of worms with his “Tom Waits” TV programme idea. There's a host of potential shows fronted by pop personalities just waiting to be produced. Here’s a few:
“Crispian Mills” – Kula Shaker frontman grinds corn while bleating on about his gap year in India.
“Will Powers” – The mild-mannered king of self-help dance/rock wanders around plugging things in with confidence.
“Ben Folds” – Weekly origami programme brought to you from Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
“Django Bates” – The founder of Loose Tubes goads members of the public until they lash out at him.
“Kenny Rogers” - 'Adult' country and western series on Channel 5
“Britney Spears” – The teen superstar runs amok in a mall with a javelin.
“Jake Burns” – Sinister series which sees the former Stiff Little Fingers singer set fire to a member of a celebrity panel as voted for by the viewing public.
“Alicia Keys” – The sultry soulstress scrapes the cars of the rich and famous.
“Mike Peters” – A show fronted by the former Alarm crooner that starts off reasonably well but fades into obscurity as the series goes on.”

THE SOAP/ROCK INTERFACE
Parishioner Andrea Mullaney: “The best ever Corrie/indie rock crossover was when Curly Watts was trying to impress some hippy eco-warrior friend of Spider's by pretending to be down with the kids. Quoth the hippy chick: "Oh, I love the Super Furry Animals." Curly chips in: ‘Yeah, me too, I love all woodland creatures.’ Fantastic.”

“LOCK THE DOORS. I WANT A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE”
Parishioner Ian Fortnam: “A promoter acquaintance of mine once booked former New Wave Of British Heavy Metal favourites Samson to play in the hall above a large pub in Southend on a busy Saturday night. They had, by this stage of their career, lost their notorious drummer Thunderstick – who sported a tassled rapist's mask and preferred to play from within the confines of a cage – and their not-so-notorious vocalist Bruce Dickinson who had long since run to the hills with Iron Maiden.
But hey, what could go wrong? The road crew-free Samson arrived at five, sound-checked and headed for the pub downstairs where they set about drinking themselves Dutch until showtime. At ten o'clock my friend struggled through the heaving mob to Samson's table and as the band leapt to their feet and started doing the whole palm-slapping, 'Rock 'n' roll! Hello Cleveland' business that bands invariably do before gigs, they had to be politely told that their services were no longer required.
They were told that despite blanket fly-posting and all the usual ads in the local rags, they had sold no tickets whatsoever, and upstairs was, aside from the barman, completely empty. The band protested that they had incurred expenses and insisted upon their full 200 fee, but after heated negotiation elected to accept fifty. Shrugs were exchanged, hands shaken and the band returned to their drinking until closing time.
When, at midnight, Samson had finally packed all their gear away, one member skulked up for his fifty quid and on receipt of the loot is alleged to have uttered the immortal words: "We've had a good night tonight, any chance of coming back?"
An offer that was diplomatically, yet firmly, refused.”

Of course, that origami show would really be shot in Adelaide, South Australia. Get the full Vicar every week by supplying your email address at the website.

King Boy D enters civic planning

not photoshopped. and made by Bill Drummond

from this week's Popbitch

Mariah Carey has a "Positioner" on her staff. He accompanies her everywhere, and his only job is to get her into the right position every time she's on camera.

(FYI: her correct "position" while doing interviews is: leg nearest camera out straight, other leg bent, one arm over chair/sofa, tits out, pointed at camera. Watch next time and check)

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Pandas compete with each other to see who can
take a piss highest up a tree.
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Labia reduction, parts tightening and asshole bleaching are old hat in LA now. The new genital modification to boast about is Labial Saline Infusion.

Saline is injected into the labia to swell them up, so a woman can feel what its like to have bollocks. And if the clitoris is also injected, a small penis too. The swelling lasts for several hours.
http://www.bmezine.com/extreme/free/cmhurt/labial.html

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Moroccan government has offered 2000 trained
monkeys to US to help detonate landmines. Bet
they're useless and just hump each other.
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EVE Satisfaction
Producer Dr Dre's career was launched in late 1980s when in return for $900 from Eazy-E to pay parking tickets he agreed to produce a record for him.

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when did Nightwing kill the Joker?

Locking:
"Fellow JLA members, I'd like you to welcome a new member to the team - Captain Sensible. Captain, can you tell us what you'll be doing today?"

"Well Superman, first I'm going to go to Arkham Asylum and execute anybody I find in there, inmate or guard, and then I'm going to go and grab my good friend Green Lantern, whereupon we will travel to a distant solar system and destroy the planet Apokalips. And then I'm going to put some fucking pants on Robin."

mearrr