the Heather Of Pain is in effect, y'all

So Dan Evans is at a party and after he gets knocked over by a lesbian catfight and ths guy breaks a bottle on the bar, Tori Spelling comes running in crying that House Of Pain are outside beating up Shannon Doherty's boyfriend, and by the time Shannon broke Danny Boy's nose it was the best party ever.

be lert and larmed

Many more inspiring images available from the White House.

make my bum look big in this

The New York Times has an interview with Robert Crumb accompanying a fashion spread illustrated by him - Aline Kominsky-Crumb modelling the latest haute couture.

Yeah, it's, you'll have to sign in and possibly register. Sorry about that.

shrinkage wasn't the problem

from this week's This Week In Sex

According to a 1950s study by Albert Kinsey, fourteen percent of men in rural America had their first sexual experience with an animal. Call us crass, but we've got a hunch those figures are higher in Canada. So really, the Canada Agriculture Museum brought its ignominy upon itself. Sure, we understand why staff members were a bit disturbed when they discovered a sixty-year-old man being fellated by two cows, but did they honestly expect they could just leave cows lying around without someone turning to them for oral sex? That's like when you go out to a bar, and it's crowded, and you're like, "Oh, I can put my bag down here for a minute, no one will touch it, right?" And then you come back and — look at that! — your bag is gone, and you have no one to blame but yourself, you careless bitch. What really puzzles TWIS are the mechanics of the situation. See, imagine a man. Okay? Now imagine a cow. Got it? Now, the cow's a lot bigger, right? How does the man get his crotch to the same level as the cow's head? Does he stand on something, and if so, isn't that dangerous? Does he make the cow lie down? How? What kind of line would work on a cow? Furthermore, what kind of line would work on TWO cows? Maybe these were specially trained dick-sucking cows? That would explain a lot.
more comedic carnal current affairs in This Week In Sex

from this week's Popbitch

Mayor of London Ken Livingstone told fellow guests at a recent dinner party that he loves going for walks in the countryside, "Because you can have sex against the trees". Bleurgh.

Check out Christina's Beautiful video. She has
hobbit feet.

"A mate and I met Mariah Carey in London this week. A vision of blonde, tanned perfection, resplendent in denim and bling bling gold jewellery, Mariah appears to be COMPLETELY bonkers, bless her.

"After failing to record a television message for the fourth time, her people ushered her out the door, saying, "Mariah needs Mariah time!"

"Ten minutes later Mariah reappears, with a huge, blissed-out smile on her face and said, "Oakey doakey smokey", as she walked past us.

"We thought she was dead nice, not a bitch at all, but looked deeply unhappy and troubled, and kind of worn out.

"She is also the tallest woman I have ever met."

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mistachuck won't pay fifty cents

Chuck D writes:
Problem is that this NY-LA pimp biz mentality didn’t ask ALL the streets, they’re telling and programming them. At the tail end of those same streets are the businesses of jail and death. They could care less about the streets in betwixt. The one sided control of sepia images the past 10 years has the masses Pavlov- trained into actually thinking there’s little wrong with being abused, like the wife who gets repeatedly beat down by the man she still loves more with every ass whipping. The slave who proudly places his master’s last name on his first after being whipped to say it, while not being able to spell it. Trained to love the level and status of nigger granted by his master’s ideology while daring all to challenge that love. Whereas the first 12 years of recorded rap reflected the love of hip hop, the artists rhymed love, spread love like BOB MARLEY and thus got love from the peeps. Rap was a passport to visit other hoods representing love in the words thus reconnecting the thought of ‘FAM’ aka family. Now the family for rappers is the corporate pimped pseudo-record companies they spit for. Many no longer rhyme for the people they cointelpro against the folk.
Full essay and more commentary in the latest Terrordome.

lifted out of this week's Rocking Vicar

Parishioner Ronald Hackston: "In addition to my upcoming 'Tom Waits' docusoap, or 'rockusoap', as it were, here's a few more projects currently in development:-
1) 'Bill Withers': a slo-mo "art" film showing the gradual shrinkage of a soul singer's post- tumescent member. 2) 'Lou Reads': a new South-Bank style book review show presented by a surly man in leather jacket and shades, droning on about Hubert Selby Junior and Delmore Schwartz. While doing power chords quite loudly. 3) 'Muddy Waters': ultralow budget indoor gardening show fronted by an elderly bluesman. 4) 'Wreckless Eric': to raise money for charity, the former Derek & The Dominoes frontman goes on a three-day sponsored drinking binge, then drives around residential areas at speed until he passes out at the wheel."

Parishioner Jasmine Reid: "In '94 I saw Ash play Hull University Union, as support to Elastica, to a crowd that varied from a 'high' of 11 down to a low of 5."

Parishioner James Barnes: "Writ small in the footnotes of Punk is the living legend in his own lunchtime ex A&M A&R man Tony Burdfield. For 'twas he who signed the Sex Pistols to Mr Alpert's label (he appears briefly in the The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle as the band sign-up outside Buck House helpfully pointing out the contract - 'Come on lads - over 'ere on the table'). Lest we mock, the man has 50 copies of God Save the Queen on the A&M label stashed away for his retirement."

Sister Roberta Chapman. "Surely the greatest of all banned records is Max Romeo's 1969 tribute to nocturnal emissions, Wet Dream, a title so disgusting that the Beeb couldn't even bring themselves to mention it by name on the chart rundown. Just to, er, rub things in it hung around the lower reaches of the top 30 for ages. For the first few weeks, as I recall, Alan Freeman would say "at number eighteen a record by Max Romeo". After a few weeks this was simply amended to "at number twenty six Max Romeo". Oh by the way Serge Gainsbourg's Je T'Aime was in the top ten at exactly the same time. Never rains but it pours. So to speak. "

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andy depressant writes

the givegoods (Tom Morgan.John Fenton.Andy Calvert.Tom Van Heesch) are playing a free gig at Manning Bar (Syd.Uni) because the children are our future.

!!!!!1PM-2PM, APRIL FOOLS DAY(1/4/3) FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

featuring various appendages and members of (like you really give a fuck) Smudge, Sneeze, Crow, Box Freezer Romance, Whopping Big Naughty, Gary David and Half-Miler. (and not one of them a "the" band)

pass it on


no sledging

Marcos: "Demonstration in Madrid, police clashes aginst some violent demostrators. Nothing special, right?

Group of people looking after some injured girl, one (another girl) picks her mobile to call for an ambulance. One police officer in riot gear sees her, walks to her, hits her violently on the head with his baton. Then walks off.

"In front of the bloody camera. Scary, scary stuff. I´ll post a pic as soon as I can find one. Ah, of course, the justice minister denied any violence in the police action, and said he haven´t seen such images. I so hate this government."

2 meg WMV, 4 meg MPG.

david bananas

actual merch bitching

Friday night saw the first Sydney headline show in three years for Leslie George (ex-Unstoppable Sex Machine) Carter's current musical outlet Abdoujaparov. Despite touring annually for the past five years and developing a mini-following in Melbourne and Brisbane, tour manager Danny Pants' antipathy towards our fair city has been returned in kind - 2001 saw no show at all in the premier state, and last year they were only able to hop the bill of a band so dire they couldn't even get any mates to support them. (We did more than quadruple on the merch what they got off the door, though!) Friday night saw the first Sydney headline show in three years for Leslie George (ex-Unstoppable Sex Machine) Carter's current musical...

Continue reading "actual merch bitching"

marines transform and roll out

WKYC: Optimus Prime is heading out to the Middle East with his guard unit on Wednesday to provide fire protection for airfields under combat.

"On Sunday, we were awarded as the best firefighting unit in the Army National Guard in the entire country," said Prime. "That was a big moment for us."

Prime took his name from the leader of the Autobots Transformers, which were popular toys and a children's cartoon in the 1980s.

He legally changed his name on his 30th birthday and now it's on everything from his driver's licence, to his military ID, to his uniform.

"They razzed me for three months to no end," said Prime. "They really dug into me about it."

"I got a letter from a general at the Pentagon when the name change went through and he says it was great to have the employ of the commander of the Autobots in the National Guard."

Prime says the toy actually filled a void in his life when it came out.

"My dad passed away the year before and I didn't have anybody really around, so I really latched onto him when i was a kid," he said.

from this week's Popbitch

Aphex Twin was part of the last Megadog tour. A Dog crew member reports that he spent the whole time he wasn't onstage in his hotel room "crying and wanking". The hotel porn channel bill was something in the region of £500.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is

Who is the cocaine fixated Spice Girl? Is there any clue in the nickname "Snorty Spice"?

The editor of the Beano is called Euan Kerr.
Which is a funny name.

Which blonde Hollywood megastar is fixated on fucking working class men? This actress likes to take a time-out from her sensitive roles by getting humped by the electricians on set, or wandering into a certain Hollywood porn cinema and giving a hand-job to any lonely young men she finds there. And if that's not enough, there's also the oral sex with Harvey Keitel...

Interpol have signed a deal with LA Style hair gel
for $10,000 and a free lifetime supply.

Sony are launching a new girl band in America, called Play, with songs which have already been big hits in UK, like Atomic Kitten's Whole Again Billie's Honey To The B and Liberty X's Just A Little Bit.

Taking UK songs without importing the acts is the final proof that Britain is now an unimportant back-water in the global music industry. At best, we're just a market research centre for songs, songwriters, producers and unproven acts.

The MTV-fuelled British pop invasion of the 80s will never be repeated. There's no reason for US labels to bother promoting UK pop acts in the States.

UK artists with any recent success in the States, like Coldplay, Radiohead, Kylie can thank the fact they are with EMI - the only major label without a significant roster of US stars. And that will of course change when/if EMI get their BMG merger approved.

The success of Interpol has also resulted in the demand for and cost of producer Peter Katis' services rendering him unavailable to finish the new James Kochalka Superstar album, Spread Your Evil Wings And Fly.
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watch girls do everything

Hi, I saw your ad and thought my website may interest you. My name is samantha. I would like to invite you to take a look at our website. I usually turn on my webcam when my husband goes on trips. I get really excited when people tell me what to do! The girls on this site will do anything you tell them to!

Push here

Don't like this?

The girls? Is this a split personality case, or do you just wear different wigs? You're right, I don't like this.

special late show announcement

Hi ya'll,

Hope things are happenin' in your neck of the jungle. At short notice we have managed to get together a great lineup for a special Club 77 show this friday. Could be one of the last times ZGT grace the premises before its demise so come and help us tear it up (so to speak). On the bill are the insanely unpredictable and desperate fashion victims of the inner city (does that makes sense?) Tito Riveria and the Pearl Birds, the swampy garage style of Bunt and of course your favourite b-grade psychobilly sinners Zombie Ghost Train. Starts at 8pm. See ya there.

Dr Arkoff

from this week's Rocking Vicar

Parishioner Ronald Hackston: "How about a new reality series on BBC3 called Tom Waits? Every week we would see Tom Waits waiting for something. One week it could be a 137 bus to Clapham, then he could be in a dentist's waiting room, and then maybe he could be in his house waiting for a plumber. All the while he would be mumbling gruffly and banging an ox jawbone against a radiator. Or something."

Parishioner Pete: "On the subject of pretending to be drummers, a friend of mine tells that he was once being chatted up by a very drunk girl at a party in Liverpool in the late '80s, who proceeded to tell him that her brother was the drummer in the Sisters of Mercy. Needless to say he was unimpressed: their 'drummer' was, of course, a machine called Doctor Avalanche."

Sister Roberta Chapman: "Killing Joke playing to only fifty people? Phoooooeeeey. In the early '90s Muslim rappers Fun-Da-Mental played Oldham Civic Hall, a huge municipal aircraft hanger of a building. Those of you who know the geo-politics of the north west are probably ahead of me already. As I had said some nice things about Nation Records they stuck me and a bunch of mates on the guest list. We got there early to be greeted by an empty hall and a fairly disconsolate but stoic looking band. Despite having not sold a single ticket the promoters remained upbeat. 'Asian youth don't buy advance tickets. They like to walk up on the night' was the gist of it. Well not on this night they didn't. Not one of them. As showtime approached me and my cowardly freeloading mates made our excuses and left Aki and the boys to, well, rehearse their set basically. Oh what fun the rest of the evening was as we four (three Caucasians, one afro-caribbean) tried to find a pub that hadn't got Strange Fruit metaphorically playing on the jukebox."

Parishioner Jon Myer: "Reading you latest epistle brought back memories of a benefit gig during my college days in the early '70s. The headline act was Thunderclap Newman and it must have been three or four years since their brief brush with stardom. The large venue was so empty that keyboardist Andy Newman was able to wander round chatting to the few of us that had made the effort to attend. I exchanged a few words with the great man and apologised for the lack of interest from my fellow students. 'That's OK,' he said. 'We've played to far smaller audiences than this.' He then whipped out a small notebook and recited a long list of his least well-attended gigs, all recorded with precise audience figures."

Parishioner Nik Moore: "I used to collect anything on the Stiff label and, thus, proudly own a copy of The Damned's Stretcher Case Baby - though this was purloined for me by a former girlfriend who was living with Rat Scabies in Forest Hill. While visiting her, Rat popped out (a rare occurrence in those days as he apparently didn't like being 'mobbed' - as if...), and I mentioned that I never received a copy of said single as it was supposed to be given away free at the old Marquee when they played four nights there but they'd apparently 'run out'. But they hadn't 'run out', as Mr. Scabies had two boxes of the singles under his bed, the contents of which he sold from time to time when he was short of cash. He had a fine collection of Stiff memorabilia, including a box or two of the Damned album with the wrong back shot, which he kept as he was aware of their increase in value. Any other parishioners aware of rock folk purposely hoarding their own releases to increase their value, thus enabling them to cash in their 'pension' when they fall on hard times?"

Sister Louise Pepper: "A friend of mine was adopted at birth and his adoptive parents kept his birth name of Paul. Many years later he went to seek out his real mother and discovered on his original birth certificate that his full birth name was Paul John George. When he met his real mother she told him that as an impressionable 17 year-old she'd wanted him to be named after the whole Fab Four but the registrar refused point blank to put Ringo on the certificate. Poor Ringo, always the bridesmaid ..."

register your name for the parish newsletter with the Vicar

Re:Satisfy her (or him) with extra power! z

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Ask your wife or girlfriend RIGHT NOW if she wants you to have a larger penis. You know the answer because bigger IS better!

When she says "size doesn't matter, honey", she must be talking about your CAR not your PENIS!

The truth is, women love to feel a large, hard penis inside them. It turns them on. Think of your beautiful wife or girlfriend in lingerie, lying on the bed in front of you, as you show her an extra two inches of your manhood. That bright, wide smile spreading across her face is for you - because she knows how much sensual pleasure you can give her now.

An exciting sex life guarantees a happy, long-lasting relationship. It's amazing how a single red rose and two hours of mind-numbing sex can make an argument just go away.

If you're unhappy with the size of your penis, don't panic, you're not alone - the average size is only five inches. Most women require a seven or eight inch penis for full penetration and pleasure. Imagine the spectacular sex you will have when you give her more frequent, vibrant orgasms. You want a larger penis, and you need PINACLE!

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Do you think they meant to call it Pinnacle or Penicle? I also love the way she must be talking about your car, not your cock - but then at the end, you find out your car needs improvement, too. Damn.

Bissette on Bushwatch

Steve Bissette writes:
It's my birthday, age 48, and our country is sliding steadily into hell.

Forget the moral issues: just do the math. The Bush Administration is clearly set on bankrupting our government, our states, and ourselves, all the while stuffing their own pockets and those of their TRUE constituents -- to what end?

I have never been so truly angry, frightened, frustrated in my entire life.

This is the single most corrupt, criminal administration in my lifetime since the Nixon Administration. Their transparency, disregard for either the Constitution or the American People, and flagrant abuse of every treaty, ally, and system of civilization save the almighty Dollar is absolutely terrifying. The damage done to decades of democracy and diplomacy will take generations to measure -- much less repair, if that is even possible after whatever the rest of this year holds in store for us comes to pass.

If you supplant the word "democracy" with the true definition of our current powerbase, "plutocracy," only then do Bush's speeches begin to ring of anything resembling the truth.

We are steeped in a world of corporate and monetary control of our government and country unparalleled since the turn of the 20th Century -- and there's no Teddy Roosevelt in sight to begin usurping the robber barons and despots at the top.

Let's face it: in this 21st Century of ours, Corporate Crime IS Organized Crime; and the corporate criminals have seized control of the U.S. government via a dubious election and an act of the Supreme Court. The RICCO Act should have been leveled against each and every corporation and CEO caught in the wake of the Enron scandal -- ah, but that's reserved for individuals, racketeers. Not our President Select's cronies, much less our Vice President (did the term ever seem so appropo and true?). If such grand-scale theft of investors' and employees' dollars isn't racketeering on a scale Don Corleone could only have wet dreams about, what IS IT?

We are now merrily plunging into a mad, useless war at the behest of our President Select, though it is becoming increasingly apparent that WE are the government that must be disarmed. Did you see Rumsfeld GLOATING over the devastation their new bomb can wreak? Did you flinch at the casual reference to the now-dwarved devastation "Daisy Cutters" spread, and the disregard with which the possible (probable) utilization of such horrific weaponary amid populated centers was discussed?

For all the talk and rhetoric and abuse of "Homeland Security" issues, our own local police, fire stations, and localized civil authorities have yet to receive dime one of promised post-9/11 federal dollars and support; in fact, their ranks are now decimated by the rush to war, as our own local authorities are part of the military reserves being hustled overseas -- leaving gaps and irreplacable vacuums in the day-to-day, very-real 'homeland security' rank and file.

All to build an Empire that is so contrary to the American spirit, to what democracy IS and CAN BE, that one is left increasingly dazed, punchdrunk, speechless.

This is MADNESS, except for the fact the power-mongers orchestrating all this seem to know precisely what they're doing, and drawing ever-closer to their goals.

Steve Bissette writes: It's my birthday, age 48, and our country is sliding steadily into hell. Forget the moral issues:...

Continue reading "Bissette on Bushwatch"

don't pay US$1500

mouse leaves sinking ship

Art Spiegelman has quit the New Yorker.
"The decision to leave was mine alone... The editor of the The New Yorker, David Remnick, was shocked when I announced my resignation. He attempted to dissuade me. But I told him that the kind of work that I'm now interested in doing is not suited to the present tone of The New Yorker. And seeing that we are living in extremely dangerous times, I don't feel like stooping to compromise."

read today

Greg Feely's life continues to fall apart in the wake of his cat Tony's death, and his demented fantasy world begins to strain at the seams of its in-brain construction. The Gilbert & George pastiche that represents one set of shadowy overlords is dead-on, and brilliantly adapted to the comics form (has anyone even thought to do this before?). Not only do the frames of their light-box portraits become panel borders, and their oblique declarations translate into the cryptic utterances of detached world-makers, but the sequences can be read either as single pages or across the two double-page spreads. Art imitating art imitating an abstracted reduction of life.

I am a yam?

Roger Langridge interview at the Pulse

jason schoolbus

he's a dog with a robot brain

more radio

So Howard delivered his speech, and didn't blame it on the terrorists. Instead, the rationalisation is that if we kill some of our own people in war now, more of them might not die in war later, and plus there's a medium-to-strong possibility that the people of Iraq could possibly suffer less under invasion, heavy bombing and whatever replacement dictatorial regime is installed by the King of America than they might under another ten years of incident-free Hussein leadership.

Next week: "A bigger boy told me to! And, and I thought he'd impose chinese burn and worm-down-shirt trade sanctions if I didn't..."

from this week's Popbitch

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Clash were seen in the toilets of Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame Inauguration getting told off for
constantly taking the piss out of Sting.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


"George W. Bush - Putting the Mong into Warmonger."

the V

on the radio this morning

The news announced that John Howard is going to be holding a press conference to explain the necessity of going to war with Iraq (also that the venue had been moved for "fear of protests", but that's another level of patheticity). Apparently, it's essential that we invade another country and blow up any bombs that they may or may not have, because otherwise terrorists might invade them and blow up any bombs that they may or may not have.

I guess he figures, "Well, the Senate's already passed a motion of no-confidence in my leadership over this whole war issue - I might as well babble any old bullshit, as there's no-one left to convince."


out with my dad last night and after a few drinks he started to tell me how in the early seventies he had been seduced by helen mirren (i'd always noticed he perked up when she came on the tv, i just thought he liked her tits). the seduction occurred out in the sticks when during some party she lured him into a field and fucked him.
I was feeling quite proud until I did the maths and worked out that he would have just got married to my mum.

bad dad...

still helen mirren could have been my mum

*wanks cock in an incestuous way*

Girls Phucking Machines! zhofpp


Just when you thought you'd seen it all, they come up with even more disgusting &hit to shock you blue! This site is NOT for a faint hearted! It is for the HARDCORE fetishist! If you think you are ready for the Ultimate and Most Gorish &exual Acts - and please be VERY DAMNED SURE that you are because this WILL make you PUKE if you're not - click here:

Interesting use of the hard sell. "Be sure you're ready to try our new carbonated beverage, or it WILL give you DYSENTERY!" "If you tie our new sneakers up incorrectly, they WILL snap your ankles CLEAN IN TWO!"

fight for your right to peace

"We felt it was important to comment on where the US appears to be heading now. A war in Iraq will not resolve our problems. It can only result in the deaths of many innocent civilians and US troops. If we are truly striving for safety, we need to build friendships, not try to bully the rest of the world."
- Adam Yauch

"Being together, writing and recording, we felt it would be irresponsible not to address what’s going on in the world while the events are still current. It didn’t make sense to us to wait until the entire record was finished to release this song."
- Mike D

"This song is not an anti-American or pro-Saddam Hussein statement. This is a statement against an unjustified war."
- Adam Horovitz

New Beastie Boys anti-war song for download: In A World Gone Mad

the paginator's in South America

from this week's Rocking Vicar

Parishioner Mary Ingoldby: “I was giving the house red a good caning the other night with my parishioner partner and fell to reminiscing about those characters who used to turn up in Viz Comic and the tags they used to have, like Billy Smalls - he runs into walls, and Paul Whicker - the tall vicar. We thought we’d try a few new ones, but I’m sure the parish could do a lot better:-
Paul Weller - the bad-tempered feller
Jarvis Cocker - he’s off his rocker
Aphex Twin - suspiciously thin
Ronnie Wood - he’s not very good
Britney Spears - it’ll all end in tears
Michael Stipe - he reverts to type
Elton John - he goes on and on
Mick Jagger - tremendous shagger
Phil Manzanera - he defines a particular era
Robert Plant - could invite JP Jones to rejoin the band but either can’t or shan’t etc.”

Sister Jasmine Reid: “In response to Parishioner Treadwell's mention of Skunk Anansie's ill-attended headline slot at Glastonbury ‘99, I’m reminded of the even worse turnout Kula Shaker enjoyed the very same year headlining the Friday night on the second stage. True they’d previously enjoyed a modicum of popularity during the final throes of Britpop, spouting cod eastern philosophy like a bunch of backpackers with electric guitars, by this time they were going down like a cup of cold sick and a headline slot was way beyond their capabilities. And REM were on the main stage and Fatboy Slim in the dance tent, thus they played to less people than at your average Forfar Athletic match. As my friend and I sauntered past this death knell he remarked, ‘F*cking hell, there were more people watching that unconscious hippy piss himself in the Green Field than there are here’. Indeed he was right.”

Parishioner Martin Scott: “While we seek the identity of The Girl on the Manchester Virgin Megastore Checkout Desk, do any parishioners have a clue as to the identity of The Records' Girl In The Golden Disc, from their 1980 album Crashes? Will Birch (finest English lyricist since Ray Davies, no question) knew his chart diaries. And talking of terminally unsuccessful chat-up lines, I have on occasion attempted to interest recalcitrant females by claiming to be the former drummer of The Roaring Boys. Sadly, a) it never works, and b) it's true, unfortunately. Ho hum. Pray for me.”
The Vicar writes: “Great heavens, the Cambridge ‘80s pop/rock sensations - ‘Duran Duran with Adam Ant on vocals’ - signed for a substantial sum to CBS. Rhythm section (you?) went on to form The Bible I think. Welcome to church. Tell us all. Tell us anything!”

Parishioner Emma: “One of the Llama Farmers chatted me up once. I was reading the NME and he pointed to a photo and said ‘that's me!’ He was right, it was him. Also the ginger one from Space invited me ’back to his’ at Phoenix ‘96. I didn't go. More impressively (to me, I'm a Cardiacs fan), I held my umbrella over Tim Smith from the Cardiacs at Glastonbury. I think he had a girlfriend, though.”

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very little johnny

old man still funny

Terry Jones, again: "Then again why does Mr. Bush need to drop 3000 bombs on Saddam Hussein? I would have thought one would have been enough to take him out, if he knows where Saddam is. And if he doesn't know where he is, what on earth is the moral justification for dropping any bombs at all? Doesn't Mr. Bush realise they are dangerous things and tend to kill people when they land?"

Adboujaparov Tour upDates

Les sez:
Hello Lovely People,
I have a day off from the hectic life here in Melbourne, so I thought I'd give you all a quick update.

OZ TOUR 2003
We had our first gig here in Melbourne on Saturday and I must say that we rocked! My DJ set seemed to go down pretty well too ;-)

There are a few changes to the schedule since my last email. Here is the updated list.
14/3/03 Sydney - Vic On The Park (with The Tommy Flowers, The Fangs and Vehicle)
15/3/03 Newcastle - Northern Star (with Muzzy Pep for their CD launch)
19/3/03 Gold Coast - Rose & Crown (with Dollar Bar)
20/3/03 Brisbane - Zoo (with Budd & Dollar Bar)
21/3/03 Brisbane - Valley Mall Rotunda (3 half hour sets featuring Abdou & Uncle Fruity)
22/3/03 Brisbane - Cheese Board at Rics (Uncle Fruity)
28/3/03 Adelaide - Flinders Uni (Lunchtime)
28/3/03 Adelaide - Enigma Bar (with King Daddy &The Gels)
29/3/03 Adelaide - Exeter (with Bleeding Hearts)
4/4/03 Perth - Uni Of WA (afternoon)
4/4/03 Fremantle- Swan Basement (with Nordeens & Local Pr*cks)
5/4/03 Perth - Rosemount,North Perth (with M16's,Change of Face & Local Pr*cks)
10/4/03 Melbourne - Tote (with Bidston Moss and Iain's Band)
11/4/03 Melbourne - The Espy (with Interstater and The Surfin' Poobahs)

I wonder if that WA support band's name has been modified.

from this week's Title Bout

But wait a second: I read AFTER THE SNOOTER; that was fucking great. What about Australia?

Australia's a continent. And its got English speakers, or it NEARLY has English speakers. Yet, ask anyone what they know about Australian comics, and if they're smart, maybe they'll come up with one thing: Eddie Campbell(who's KINDA Australian?). But that can't be IT -- it can't just be Eddie Campbell.

Or maybe they'd get confused and say Dylan Horrocks, but Horrocks is from New Zealand, which is different. New Zealand is where the LORD OF THE RINGS movies were made, so ... Next time you hear a girl complaining about a bar being full of losers, you just tell her how New Zealand was desparate for losers, and... watch her run from you. Or you know, buy her a drink? This -- this isn't a chatting-up-girls-in-bars-advice column, I'm afraid, so... no help there...

So I did some research on the Australian comics scene. And I was looking for one thing: Ridiculous words. What did I find?

BEWARE THE KILLEROO! With apologies to Ben Templesmith (30 DAYS OF NIGHT)(apparently Australian?), here's his cover:

This -- this ain't no friggin' bush kangaroo...

Besides that: Australian comics apparently SUCK. They refer to their industry as the "local scene." They're a CONTINENT! There's not very many books, and no sense of any sort of distinctive visual sensibility is apparent from the websites, at least. They like funny animal books apparently. And despite not really having much by way of comics, it seems like there's a sort of bitchiness towards the US because they read our comics, and our comics, as scientifically proven repeatedly, can create bitchiness in a vacuum.

Which... What the fuck did we ever do to Australians???? Did George Bush's dingo eat your baby? ... I forced that joke too hard? I needed to work in a dingo somehow; I got desperate.

Anyway, in conclusion, Fosters is a fucking awful beer. No one really drinks that shit, do they? I thought Australian superheroes would drink beer, and throw shrimp on barbies, and compare the size of their knives, and mutter angrily about Crocs... Unfortunately, no, the Australian Comics scene is not run by either Paul Hogan or Yahoo Serious. If only...

If only...

They have a whole continent, and ... I didn't really see much of interest. For a CONTINENT! I do want to see that new Alex Proyas movie, but I hear its crap. Sydney seems like a fun place to live. And yet: no comics. Damn you, Yahoo Serious... Damn you to HELL!!!

It's true, Australian comics do suck, and the internet doesn't even tell you about the ones that don't.

matt's feazible

the Detroit News on Matt Feazell
"Hamtramck artist also works on Ford ads as a graphic designer"

obviously, this was written over a year ago

Clive James recently pointed out that since Spike Milligan is actually Indian (and spent most of his War years posted to Africa), he defies you - and denies you - the chance to tar him with the 'racist' brush. Milligan is about four million years old, and has seen more than you have ever seen - so have some fucking respect.
from SOTCAA's 100 Greatest Moments from TV Hell, on Curry And Chips. (on what? exactly.)

from this week's Title Bout

There was a story over at Ain’t It Cool that I was interested in this week, a site report by Harry Knowles from the SPY KIDS 3 set. I like Robert Rodriguez, the SPY KIDS movies, etc. Anyway, a bit of that report jumped out at me. Knowles was talking about meeting Sylvester Stallone for the first time- Stallone’s playing the bad actor- I mean, the bad guy in that movie. You’ll remember Sylvester Stallone from that time you screamed, “Why did I just pay money to see a Sylvester Stallone movie? I want my life back! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!” Anyway, Knowles meets Stallone for the first time:

“Stallone wanted the ring in the part as a power symbol, then to demonstrate he took a step back, posed like Hal Jordan and said: ‘In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight, let those that worship evil’s might, beware my power, Green Lantern’s Light!’”

Sylvester Stallone knows the Green Lantern Oath by heart. Do you think Hal Jordon somehow inspired STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT? I’m not sure, but I’m going to blame CLIFFHANGER on DC anyway. TANGO AND CASH was totally Paul Levitz’s fault.

It’s weird. Nic Cage is obsessed with superheroes. Stallone knows the Green Lantern oath by heart. Is there a rule that the worse the movies, the more the actor knows about comic books? Are comic books cursed? If Tom Green starts raving about HAWKMAN, I think we’re cursed.

gallons more and funnier at Title Bout


"This is really an argument between two kinds of prayer--vertical and horizontal. I don't have the slightest problem with vertical prayer. It is horizontal prayer that frightens me. Vertical prayer is private, directed upward toward heaven. It need not be spoken aloud, because God is a spirit and has no ears. Horizontal prayer must always be audible, because its purpose is not to be heard by God, but to be heard by fellow men standing within earshot."
-Bush and Ashcroft insist kiddies swear fealty to their religion, Roger Ebert pours scorn.

from this week's Popbitch

Atomic Kitten's scouse member Jenny Frost has a new nickname, Jenny From The Dock.

Ken Livingstone took his new baby's placenta home in a plastic bag. A month later at a reunion of his NCT class, he served it as a uterus pate.

At least one of the pate recipient's had to visit the toilets right after to chuck up.

(FYI: One lucky girl informs us that the current mayoral chat up line is "The press are such reptiles, they follow me everywhere, so i can only manage one affair per year. And tonight, my dear, it could be you...")

Barnacles have proportionally the longest penis of any animal - six times the length of the body inside the shell. That's bigger than Tommy Lee.

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"Murfreesboro police officers were astonished when their shift's commander, Lt. Alvin Randolph, came into morning roll call on Jan. 22 and announced that, after some departmental changes, non-Christian officers and those with more than 25 years on the force should look for other jobs."

He then turned to the crack whore he'd brought along and told her ''See, I told you I'm God''.

go on archer

Neil Gaiman recommends some books.

spotted at ultimo

"That girl looks like she's got an extra bag full of arse stuffed down the back of her pants."

I am going to share my experience with you here!

  • a longer, thicker, harder penis of up to 3 inches or more in length dur
  • a longer, thicker, larger penis even when you are relaxed and not sex
  • bigger, harder erections whenever you want them that are rock hard,
  • much better control and mastery of your sex life
  • more powerful, intense orgasms
  • no more premature ejaculations
  • permanent growth, safely and without pain

Why am I not inclined to believe "Mary Ann SOMEBODY" when she claims excellent penile results?

gimpo gimpo

A similarly empirical enthusiasm infuses I COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT night at sometime KLF hangout The Foundry.(from 7pm, Thu 2003-03-06, 84 Great Eastern St, London EC2, free), featuring two "musicians' tag-team open mic" jamming sessions (an analogue synth, 6-string electric guitar, and Rebirth laptop are provided), each 23 minutes long.

you spy for the FBi

"The new FBI radio studios and office are being constructed at 44-54 Botany Road, Alexandria from mid March to late May. To achieve this we are seeking a range of people to assist in the physical construction of the studio and office space, and assist in sourcing of materials, furniture, fittings and equipment. "The FBI radio studio will be unique in Sydney and as a not for profit organisation we are seeking to establish a list of people who can assist in getting the studio on air in the most cost effective and resourceful way possible. "Outlined below are some of the skills and materials we need to supplement the existing team of volunteers already working on the studio and office..."

Continue reading "you spy for the FBi"


Jess Nevins (LOEG annotator and creator of the A List) lays it out:
Actually, Dubya (as he's known down here in Texas) is fairly simple to understand.

Bush Sr. was a decorated (Distinguished Service Cross) WW2 vet.
Dubya was a draft dodger.

Bush Sr. was a successful businessman.
Dubya failed at his businesses and was only bailed out with the help of his father's friends.

Bush Sr. was director of the CIA.
The best Dubya managed was to be governor of Texas, a notoriously powerless position. Dubya only won that election with the help of his father's friends.

Bush Sr.'s cheating on his wife was not widely known until after he left office.
Dubya's problems with the bottle and drugs were widely known before the election.

Bush Sr. had a decent relationship with his father.
One night, while drunk, Dubya tried to punch out his father.

Bush Sr. was elected President fair and square.
Dubya had to rely on...wait for it...his father's friends to become President.

Imagine the psychic pressure on poor Dubya, the crushing inadequacy he must have felt. He's never succeeded at anything without his daddy's help. His daddy, who is far more of a successful adult than Dubya is. Then 9/11 comes around, and almost immediately (literally within a couple of days) Dubya is talking to his staff about invading Iraq, about spinning the events of 9/11 to justify an invasion of Iraq.

The war, y'see, isn't about Dubya punishing Hussein because Saddam sent assassins to kill Dubya's daddy. This war is about Dubya finally finding something that he can succeed at that his father failed at. Dubya's using Iraq to slay the symbolic Father Beast. Dubya's going to crush Iraq to show his father that, doggone it, he's a big boy, too.

And then Dubya's going to try to marry his mother.

crap superheroes at b3ta

more than half this week's Rocking Vicar, to be honest

Parishioner Gillian Porter: “I recall a dim and distant Kerrang! Awards where a friend and I stepped into the hallway to cool ourselves down where a 'mature' leather clad gentleman engaged us in conversation, "oh it's hot in here eh?/good fun at the awards etc." and pleasantries were exchanged until he whispered to us 'Hey girls, I have a hotel room in London tonight?" ....we both looked at him baffled ... "We both live in London ... we don't need anywhere to stay' embarrassed silence fell on the conversation as we suddenly realised what he meant and he realised that the idea of visiting his Holiday Inn or whatever was such a ridiculous thought it hadn't even crossed out mind ...luckily, breaking the awkward atmosphere he then laughed out loud and exclaimed 'Bloody Hell .. I have no luck with women ... I could fall into a bag of nipples and come out sucking my own thumb" ....Oh and who was the wrinkly rocker ......Phil Campbell from Motorhead .... Ladies I'm sure we did the right thing, but if anybody has evidence to the contrary ... “

Parishioner Pamela Craddock: “While working at Virgin Music in the early 90's the boardroom was frequently the venue for enthusiastic 'staff meet the latest signing and listen to their fine offerings while getting pissed on warm cheap wine' - this particular offering was The Verve. I partook in too much of the wine on offer and staggered over to proposition a very fine looking Richard Ashcroft and was quite swiftly sent packing with the line "No thanks love, I've just eaten..." so that says it all really”

Parishioner Melanie Osborne: “I was extolling the virtues of ebay as a tool for ridding the loft of the review copy mountain (Subcircus and the like - people actually pay money for that stuff) to a friend that had worked at Vital distribution during the Britpop wars. This prompted her to recount the fact that 94% of the Northern Uproar album had been returned unsold. A 'record' for that distribution house, I believe. The Next Oasis. I ask you.”
Parishioner Val Jennings: |”Here’s perhaps the last word on the great "Get Happy!!" overpressing. When I started working for Demon Records in August 1988, we were still selling the F-Beat label vinyl pressings (catalogue no: XXLP 1) of "Get Happy", some 8-and-a-half years after they were pressed (and we were still selling them in 1991!).

Parishioner Graham Johns: “Tony Blackburn's return to Radio 1 reminds me of his late '70's golden era at 247 on their medium wave. He was so obviously pissed off with his treatment by the station, Tessa & life in general that he took it out on the listeners. I remember him back-announcing 'Miss You' with, "The FAB-U-LOUS Rolling Stones there ..(pause)..actually I don't like that record very much..(pause)...I've never been very keen on the Stones come to think of it...". He also had a '3 of the best' write-in in which listeners nominated their 3 faves. TB mostly chose only those postcards (Postcards! How quaint it all sounds now) whose contents mirrored his rather narrow musical tastes (Motown. Just Motown) but occasionally a rogue selection would get through. I remember 'Stairway to Heaven' lasting for all of two minutes before being cut off by Tone with a brusque, "This goes on for another 3 hours so we'll stop it right there..."

Parishioner Paul Gorman: “I lived and worked in Los Angeles in the late 80s/early 90s and many of the parties I attended were populated by ex-pats. Sometimes there'd be the ex (or soon to be ex) British pop star, whiling away his dotage in the sun. So, no surprise to observe or even meet oven the years a long haired Steve Jones here, an even longer-haired Ian Astbury there, or to bump into a former keyboard player from Wuang Chung, guitarist from Living In A Box or one of the Goss brothers from Bros.
On one such occasion I fell into conversation with a dubious looking Anglo in the wee wee hours. On inquiring as to his occupation he said airily, eyeing my then-girlfriend and her attractive blonde pal lasciviously: "Oh I'm retired now. But I was the drummer in Public Image for a long time."
Unfortunately for The Bogus Man, I and probably I alone in the LA metropolitan area (and I'm including Lydon) could identify all the significant PiL tub-thumpers to date, from Jim "Donut" Walker and Richard "Snakehips" Dudanski to Martyn "Brian Brain" Atkins, Karl Burns and Bruce Smith.
"No you're fucking not," I told him.
Admirably he replied, just as airily: "Yeah, you're right I'm not. But it was worth a shot, right?"
I rather took to him after that and inquired why he had made this ludicrous claim. He told me that he liked to select obscure ex members of important shifting cast bands who retained enough cachet to impress, as PiL still did at the time. His advice was to stick to the drummers if I ever fancied getting into the micro-rock star impersonation business, and I never saw him again.
But a couple of years back, a very dissolute personage started working for a trade audio mag of my acquaintance, and made a strong impression on all, not least because he claimed to have been the drummer in Cutting Crew. He disappeared leaving a trail of missed deadlines and emotional wreckage among his colleagues before I had the chance to meet him, but I often while away the hours fondly imagining that this was the self-same fake Brian Brain I had bumped into years before on that balmy Hollywood night.
But why, oh why had he gone for Cutting Crew in the year 2000? The only explanation was that my man had lost his touch, the years of drummer doppelganging having completely eroded his judgment. I wonder where he'll pop up next?”

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children's comics: terrorist tools

A spokesman for Dundee-based publishers DC Thomson said: "It's obviously a toy and nothing more. It might be mildly irritating if a kid fired it at your head over and over, but it's hardly a weapon of mass destruction.

"I don't think a terrorist would get very far if he tried to hijack a plane with a free toy from The Dandy."

30 million Euros can't buy too many phone books

but he could be behind ANY ONE of those windowsBetween them, they are wanted for a string of alleged offences including murder, terrorism, drug trafficking and abduction. So elusive are these suspects said to be that Interpol’s Secretary-General called last week for the establishment of a “global network of fugitive investigators” to bring them to justice.

Yesterday, however, a lone journalist from The Times succeeded in tracking down half of the British fugitives. He found all four using widely available sources such as electoral registers, internet search engines and commercial records. What is more, he did it in one hour and 22 minutes.