all your ready.gov are belong to us

round III

Terry Jones on collateral damage to the English language in the nearly-war:
Perhaps the worst impact is on our vocabulary. 'Cowardice', according to Colin Powell, is the refusal to injure thousands of innocent civilians living in Baghdad in order to promote US oil interests in the Middle East. The corollary is that 'bravery' must be the ability to order the deaths of 100,000 Iraqis without wincing or bringing up your Caesar salad.

I suppose Tony Blair is 'brave' because he is willing to expose the people who voted for him to the threat of terrorist reprisals in return for getting a red carpet whenever he visits the White House, while Chirac is a 'coward' for standing up to the bigoted bullying of the extremist right-wing Republican warmongers who currently run the United States.

a man who knows what he doesn't mean

The Washington Post interviews the author of the worst novel ever published in the English language:
Me: It is possible that some people might have found the plot a little improbable. They might find it hard to believe that, in order to garner political support for his tax cuts, George W. Bush would secretly arrange a giant parade in Washington honoring the richest people in America, who would march front to back in order of their net worth. Or that a cadre of earnest, teetotaling college students would get wind of this and, encouraged by Sen. Russ Feingold of Wisconsin, rise up to stage a heroic counter-parade honoring basic American values like morality and hard work. Was this perhaps deft satire, a nifty Swiftian touch?

Burrows: No.

Me: Ah.

curse my non-English television

Paul O'Brien says: "I succumbed to temptation today and watched Peter Simon on Bid-Up TV in order to see if the rumours were true.

"They are. They are so, so true. Oh my god.

"I could never have imagined the possibility of somebody starting from Double Dare and falling from grace, but this... this was just incredible. He's on for six hours a week, has been for a couple of years now. And he's pissed. He's pissed out of his skull.

"It's gripping, black television. Either Peter Simon is a genius comedy improvisor engaged on an astonishing Chris Morris-like scam with the collaboration of Bid-Up, or he's an alcoholic facing a nervous breakdown. Seriously. We're talking slurred words, awkward timing, long silent pauses as he smiles goofily at the screen, slight stumbles as he walks around the set. Bizarre, Alan Partridge-style product descriptions. ("This painting shows a leopard sitting on a mound of earth. Possibly with some wind from the southwest.")

"For example, here's Peter Simon seguing into selling us a gold necklace:-

"'You know, when I'm working on Bid-Up TV, I like to think about what lots I might bid for myself. We have some lots like that on Hot Lots tonight. This gold necklace is one of them. That painting [the previous auction] is another. A couple of weeks ago, we had that exercise machine - I'd have bought that. [Long, long, long pause. Simon looks reflective and serious.] I know a lot of you at home mock and ridicule me. You like to snigger and sneer. But after a couple of years on Bid-Up TV, you'll see the difference. It won't be instant. And here's something else that's instant - this gold necklace...'

"This is unmissable television. If you have Bid-Up you MUST watch Peter Simon. You will not believe your eyes. Frankly, if he's not acting, every show could be your last chance."

from this week's Title Bout

I took one lousy week off to change apartments, and Paul Levitz fires me. Can - can he even do that? I told him that I didn’t technically work for DC, but that really didn’t seem to matter to the guy. Just fired me anyway. Huh?? Man, I should never have rewritten Grant Morrison’s INVISIBLES…

That’s the fascinating thing to come out of those DC firings -- some guy rewrote Morrison, and it took him a couple YEARS to lose his job? How do you keep your job after doing something so stupid? Who in their right mind rewrites Morrison? Even if you’re high enough to think that’s a good idea, Morrison was still five times more high than that when he wrote it. That’s what makes him Morrison, and you’re just some high, silly bastard.

--

From the introduction to the U.S. creators titled USA COMICS: LAND WHERE SUPERHEROES REIGN: ”When the Second World War erupted, Superman was followed by a host of other superheroes- Captain America, Batman, Flash Gordon, Plastic Man, Green Lantern, and so on. Perhaps the major figure in this wave of comics fever was Alex Ross, who was responsible for Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Captain Marvel and Plastic Man among others.”

Who knew Alex Ross was such a genius? Wait -- who knew Alex Ross was so OLD? Did he use those photographs of his dad when he made up Wonder Woman, and if so, did he make his dad wear that eagle-bikini? Sick…

The cover of the magazine is a Ross painting of one of the little kids in the bird costumes from BATTLE OF THE PLANETS. Which -- it’s pretty enough, but every time I see an Alex Ross painting now, I always think to myself about how he had some buddy of his dressed up like that in his apartment at some point, and Ross was taking photographs of the buddy in the bird costume, and… it’s all a little too disturbing to enjoy the painting any more.

--

IdN: Your work is now serialized in a comics magazine for young men. Compared with comics for young girls, what are the most important elements in story and style?

Anno: I try to draw a woman’s body sexily.

That’s it -- that’s the entire answer. Isn’t that essentially wonderful? First, just the sentence structure, where her use of the adverbial form makes it sound like she’s drawing sexily (i.e., she’s drawing in lingerie) instead of drawing a sexy body. But beyond that, just the lack of embarrassment. How do you make comics for boys? “Oh, tits and ass -- haven’t you heard? Can’t go wrong with tits and ass.”

--

BTVS #54 VIVA LAS BUFFY (PART 4 OF 4) $2.99
BTVS #54 VIVA LAS BUFFY (PART 4 OF 4) PHOTO CVR $2.99

This ends with Buffy letting Nic Cage drink himself to death.

--

STAR WARS JEDI MACE WINDU $4.99

Mace Windu was Sam Jackson. Why don’t they just call it Sam Jackson? Or STAR WARS: BAD MOTHERFUCKER. I’d buy STAR WARS: BAD MOTHERFUCKER in a second. That’s what I keep waiting for him to do in those movies -- shove a lightsaber in Yoda’s face and make him get Sam’s wallet with Bad Motherfucker written on it. It’s strange -- he’s done some good movies since, some fine work. I liked him in the NEGOTIATOR, say, but any time I see him in one of those STAR WARS movies, I keep expecting him to accidentally shoot Yoda in the face, or start yelling about a little passage from the Bible he has memorized… those warm memories of him getting eaten by a genius shark in DEEP BLUE SEA just get washed away.

--

GREEN LANTERN THE POWER OF ION TP $14.95

I love how some comic writer just has an 8th-grade science textbook lying around. “Who dare defies …. CYTOPLASM?” “Kneel before the power of … AVAGADRO’S NUMBER!!!!” The power of ion… Ooooooh…..

--

Speaking of DAREDEVIL, there was a trailer beforehand for the most awful looking piece of shit. That man-girl who won that Oscar for playing that he-she was in it. Apparently, the earth’s core had gone bust, apparently. And because the earth’s core was not up to snuff, stuff was blowing up and bad computer CGI effects were happening?

So, what does the U.S. government do to save the planet? We nuke it. Fuck the Earth’s core -- we’ll just nuke that motherfucker like a red-headed stepchild!!! Just like those other disaster movies, like the one where a comet was going to hit the Earth. What did we do? We nuked it. Or the one where a giant meteor was going to hit the Earth. What did we do? We nuked it. Earth’s core works about the same way as a meteor or a comet or your high-school girlfriend who wouldn’t put out enough or that slow guy in front of you at McDonalds -- just nuke that sum’bitch a little.

so much more at Title Bout

chill out

the round-headed kid who couldn't stop

Sam Henderson says "I was once at Meltdown and Jack Black came in asking the owner if he had any Charlie Brown comics. When asked if he wanted any in particular, he elaborated that he wanted "the ones about the guy who shits too much, and another guy had the President's head on his dick and there were Bible stories in the back". It took a few minutes for the owner to realize Black meant Chester Brown."

HULK POST BLOG!

"OK, Hawkeye needs to knock off listening to Wu-Tang Clan. Hulk know they ain't nothing to f*ck with, but they keep persisting. Maybe Hulk will f*ck with them soon. All except ODB. Hulk knows even he too crazy for you to f*ck with."

the vicar rocks weekly

THE NETWORK THAT LIKES TO SAY 'NO'
Brian from the Atlanta parish: "The censorship continues. Just last month the Beeb cancelled their own documentary on Keith Moon for fear that viewers might be corrupted by the sight of his guitar-smashing bandmate."

TEA, SYMPATHY, FINGER CYMBALS
Parishioner Allan Williams: "My favourite strange album sleeve credit is on From The Caves Of The Iron Mountain by Steve Gorn, Tony Levin and Jerry Marota (Tony has been a member of King Crimson and also tours with Peter Gabriel). As the title hints, the album was recorded in a disused mine in upstate New York. To ensure sonic quality and prevent stray noises from the wildlife the following credit is noted :- 'Duck and Geese management by Lorna Tychostup'."

Parishioner Alistair Crosbie: "One of my favourites appears on Blur's Modern Life Is Rubbish. On Miss America, Dave Rowntree is credited with 'The Plough, Bloomsbury', the pub in which he was drinking whilst his colleagues recorded this fine track - from which he is entirely absent."

Parishioner Alistair Crosbie: "Noted experimenter Steven Stapleton of Nurse With Wound has been credited with 'sheep ventilator guitar' as well as 'stones', 'corrugations', 'the world', 'creaking', 'secret weapon' and, oddly, the phrase 'lo, he tolled the bells'. He is also credited on a Current 93 single with providing drums when a cursory listen to the track makes it abundantly clear there was not a single skin struck throughout."

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snopes has skirts


Tell your forwarding friends it's not true.

Chris Morris interview in Grauniad

"Look," he says. "Do you really think I would spend my free time swanning around with the likes of Noel Edmonds, Phil Collins, Dr Fox or Barbara Follett? Do you honestly think I have nothing better to do with my life?"

Poppiecock

Clint's came out like a question-mark, throbbing with veins and leftover wrinkled skin. Yep, only long ones can twist and turn like this. One side of the head got flattened by a water bubble — but not a turn-off. It has a pensive quality that brings to mind Rodin's statue, "The Thinker."

Around this time, my track record with mold mixing had been more failures than successes so I was a very nervous P. Caster that night. But easygoing Clint and his new friend, Carey-the-plater, put me at ease. Maybe my John-the-Conquerer incense also helped matters. Clint wishes he could've come out straighter, but I personally think that my curved babies are sweet and cuddly.

limp penis

Apparently, Limp Bizkit have a new song on their website. People on the Velvet Rope aren't showing the proper respect:

go to their site and download the song. be sure yer wearing a gas mask cuz this one stinks

Yes! This guy has misogyny down to a science!

Ooooh! LYRIC OF THE YEAR!
You've got a lot of fucking nerve
You think this is a fucking tennis match, bitch?
Pop up me a serve!
I'm John McEnroe
Ready for me, ho?
It's 15-Love, where the fuck you gonna go?
Where the fuck you gonna go?
Where the fuck you gonna go?

Oh my dear Lord. It only gets better:
Rewind
Back to the start
When we got together, I gave you my heart.
You made a few mistakes / But that's how it goes
And every time we broke up, you gave my ass a rose.
...
I was feeling lonely
When you were with my homie
Ain't that a bitch? Now your boy can blow me.

he still has those rhyming skills that only a 3yr old could better.

Holy shit is that bad. This album won't even go concrete...

Vocally, Fred always manages to sound as if he just fell off a bicycle. It's very annoying.
And as far as the rest of it goes, he couldn't "rap" a package. I've seen dead people write better lyrics. This guy is strictly remedial.

cheeses of nazareth, i thought my garbage disposal was stuck - then i realized the noise was coming from my computer.

the coolest part is the web site itself. get a load of the little cartoon Red Hat dude in the animated intro and stuff. I love how he keeps tilting his head all tough and stuff like "hey wassup, you checkin' my web page - best show me props or I will bust loose with an angry rap and diss you."
way to go fred, that makes me think you are real and cool and i will buy 5 copies of your CD now.

NO hoWARd

(A collection of slogans spotted at the Feb 15th anti-war protests)


'Make Tea, not War'

'Miss! They copied my dossier'

'Legalise cannabis. OOPS WRONG DEMO'

'BUSH AND BLAIR SITTING IN A TREE K.I.L.L.I.N.G'


'Gulf Sale'

'oil is thicker than blood, and George Bush is thicker than oil.'

'24 hour peaceful people'

'Dave says NO to war'

'We're not very chuffed about this'


'The only Bush I'd trust is my own'

'Sad Git Spent Valentine's Day Making This Banner'

'Empty Warhead' (caption superimposed on pic of Bush)

'Masturbate for Peace! Give Bush the finger'.

Bearded guy holding up a 'fuck men with beards' banner

'Stop this mad cowboy disease'

'We shaved our pubic hair: Read our lips: No Bush'

Fight plaque not Iraq' (on a big toothbrush)

'George Bush Smells Of Poo'

'Down with this sort of thing'

from this week's Popbitch

After being kicked out of Neverland by Jacko when he stopped being small and cute, Bubbles the chimp is alive and well in an animal sanctuary in the San Fernando valley, LA.

As mentioned last week, he is the fourth Bubbles. The previous three are dead.

Bubbles IV shares the sanctuary with other celebrity monkeys, including the orangutan from Dunston Checks In. And one of the Capuchin monkeys who starred as Marcel in Friends.

A visitor to the park tells us that Bubbles is now huge - and "a mean motherfucker who threw dirt and spat".

Poor Bubbles can't be trusted to play nicely with the other chimps so has a private cage.


Ashley Judd is to make her Broadway debut this year as Maggie in Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. She has also been in talks about playing Catwoman in the movie of the same name.

Why the obsession with cats? Could it be guilt from an the incident a couple of years ago when she left her dog locked in the house with her pregnant cat. The cat had the kittens. And then the dog ate them. Eek!


Which supermodel's nanny has the job of going around the house the morning after the night before, putting forgotten chopped out lines of coke back into wraps? How very war-time and thrifty.


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u-know

next big scorpion

Hello!

don't hound her

chupa chup OF DOOM!

Lonely People are waiting to meet you! 6047hzle8

How have you been? You would not believe what I found but it is true. There is a site for people to talk, chat,see each others pictures, and even meet each other as close as next door that I found.But that's not the best part, hereis why it's so great, not all the people are single, in fact,a lot of them are even married, looking to satisfy their hungriest desires. Look at this!

Push Here "Married and Lonely people are hoping for someone to save them" -

...push?

not taken from www.frankskinner.com

from this week's Rocking Vicar

THE NETWORK THAT LIKES TO SAY 'NO'
Parishioner Mark Carty: "I remember one of Jonathan King's project bands in 1972 having a top five hit entitled Loop Di Love. In their wisdom, the Beeb decided that their name be changed from Shag to Shad, thus sparing a rather youthful Tony Blackburn's - and, apparently, the nation's - blushes when aired on TOTP. When Jimmy Somerville appeared on the Wogan show in the '80s, Auntie tippexed the wee man's song title from There's More To Love Than Boy Meets Girl to just the first four words."

Parishioner Mark A. Walker: "Doesn't anyone remember when Sting 'Sting' Sumner changed the lyrics of Can't Stand Losing You for Radio Fab from 'You might call it suicide' to 'You don't know how I feel inside'? How many people did he think he'd save?"

Parishioner TJ Worthington: "The BBC were somewhat squeamish about McCartney's notorious Give Ireland Back To The Irish. Presenters nervously skated round the current chart position of 'a record by Wings'."

Parishioner Alexis Petridis: "Not exactly censored, but I do remember a fairly insane example of song lyrics being changed to suit the fell purposes of children's television. Readers may recall that, in its Ed 'Stewpot' Stewart and Peter Glaze heyday, Crackerjack used to feature a comical a sketch which invariably ended with the cast singing a song from that week's hit parade. One Friday afternoon in 1979, viewers were treated to a jocular entertainment in which Stewpot's character refused to say his own name 'because it was too silly'. After much cajoling, he announced that he was called Niggle. At the denouement, it was revealed that he was simply mispronouncing his name, and he was in fact called Nigel. Whereupon the entire cast launched into a version of XTC's breakthrough hit, reworded Making Plans For Niggle. I swear to god I'm not making this up. Can Parishioner Partridge corroborate this story? Can any others remember Crackerjack subverting the lyrics of other 'new wave' classics? PiL's Death Disco, perhaps? Or Crass's Shaved Women?"

Parishioner Adrian Harper: "In order to get a bit of airplay, The Freshies' I'm In Love With The Girl At The Manchester Virgin Megastore Checkout Desk had to be retitled I'm In Love With The Girl At A Certain Manchester Megastore Checkout Desk. This didn't make the song appreciably worse. It couldn't have, really."

Parishioner Mat: "Until recently the Singaporean government took offence to virtually any lyrics involving sex, drugs, cross-dressing, sedition, spitting, smoking or chewing gum. Among the gloriously bowlderised lyrics were the change for the Sex Pistols' Bodies where Jean, the girl from Birmingham, no longer has 'an abortion' but settles instead for 'a love potion’. Better still, Suede's She loses the line 'injecting Marijuana', but gains the rather half-hearted proposal 'interested in marriage, d'you wanna?'."

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at least the first one was creative

Gulf Wars II

muppets dis Snoop

"Why do people even worry about what I do?" Snoop counters. "It's not one person who makes the decision on who I'm supposed to be or how I'm supposed to act. The public chooses. And that shit I did [with Kermit the Frog] was fly. But it don't hurt my feelings that they cut it out," he says. "I'm a businessman."

dumpster divining

i am not perfect but i suck c0ck

WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU BANGED A SUPERMODEL??

Probably never, right? Let's face it, you'll never have the chance to either since they're too busy bangin' rockstars and celebs.

Why not be realistic & go for the normal chicks that are wayyyyy easier to nail with minimal effort. Take Flick on the right for example, she's not the hottest chick but after a couple beers & she'll do just fine. Our site has 1000's more plain jane sluts in vids & pictures doing the unimaginable! No snobby cunt supermodels here! Just nasty fuck sluts! All of it for nothing!!!

CHECK OUT OUR AVERAGE BITCHES HERE FOR NOTHING

that sounds reasonable

because improper cooling could lead to trouble

Totally bizarre carrot with a vagina !!!!!!
This carrot is totally bizarre dug it up last week could not believe my eyes a carrot with a vagina. It is approximately six inches long. I believe to be life size. Totally free Here friends and neighbors with this carrot. If you'd like to see any further pictures please feel free to ask. Winner pays shipping of his or her choice. Will be shipped with proper cooling.

from this week's Title Bout

Well, I’m writing this on Monday night, the day before the Oscar nominations come in. So I can’t talk at excruciating length about how much I don’t care about the goddamn Oscar nominations yet.

That’s the best part of the Oscars -- it’s not about what actually wins, it’s people COMPLAINING about the Oscars. That’s Joan Rivers’s whole existence now, to complain about one tiny little facet of the Oscars.

OSCAR NOMINATION WHINING: IT’S CRYBABY-TASTIC.

...

I had a pretty big personal success recently. Something I’ve been dreaming of for a long time finally came true.

Woke up one morning, and my bathtub was coughing up effluvia. Well, coughing is a bad word because it suggests an irregular spouting of the sewage -- no, no, quite the opposite, it was quite steady in its release of the effluvia.

My bathtub is now wonderfully sewage-free, and it’s been thoroughly de-loused. Even still, I DID IT, just like I always dreamed: I fucking KILLED my apartment.

The plumbers, they shook their heads and would mumble, “Hey, I don’t know, I think the pipe’s too small; this isn’t supposed to -- I think it’s a design flaw.” But I knew, oh I knew -- I murdered it just like I was always said I was going to.

My dream? My dream is they need hazmat suits after I move out. My dream involves people examining my leavings with a Geiger counter. Far-fetched? Perhaps. But can we truly call anything far-fetched after raw sewage erupts from my bathtub? I don’t think so either.

The fun thing about plumbers is they’re these big gnarly motherfuckers -- real men, supposedly. But if you start yelling at them? Let’s say hypothetically you start screaming “IS THERE ANY WAY TO FIX THIS WHERE MY APARTMENT DOESN’T SMELL OF RAW SEWAGE?” Then, these so called macho dudes act like sad dogs. They put their ears down and mumble, “There’s no reason to yell, man.” And all you can do is feel bad, while the smell of raw sewage permeates your apartment.

...

See, Marvel can hire all the manga artists it wants to hire -- they’ll still be written by some jackass who wants to write a 9-page speech. American comics just have too much fucking talking in them. Noone ever TALKS in manga -- manga artists are too busy having massive demon penises strangling robot girls in schoolgirl costumes to have their characters sit and have a conversation. There’s no talking in manga.

...

INCREDIBLE HULK #50 $3.50

This is the first issue drawn by the entity known as Mike Deodato. I’m not sure what that means exactly because the interesting thing about the entity known as Mike Deodato, as I understand it(which is not very much, obviously) is that it’s a BUNCH of guys. Mike Deodato, if he ever in fact existed, was a group of South American artists who all used that name. Or they were all a bunch of guys who just coincidentally were all named Mike Deodato and Marvel couldn’t tell them apart, which happens sometimes with us brown people.

Is there an actual, single Mike Deodato? I’m not sure. I just know there’s an awful lot of guys wandering around South America who used to be Mike Deodato. Them and Hitler’s clones, man -- that’s why I don’t go to South America personally. Not so much because I’m afraid of Deodato (though after this maybe I should be) as the Hitler clone thing. Some people see the glass half empty of Hitler clones, while I see the glass half full of Hitler clones. Which must mean the glass is enormous to fit an entire clone in it. Unless Hitler was somehow cloned and then SHRUNK to HALF the size of a glass. But, wait, what would keep Hitler’s clone IN THE GLASS. Superglue? Why would you clone Hitler just to superglue his incredibly tiny body to a glass? What kind of sick fucking Nazi are you?

lots lots more at Title Bout

special advisor 2005

the most touching tribute of all

read today

A Carl Hiassen book for kids. Not just a book for kids that's written by Carl Hiassen - he actually translates his usual tropes into a story with a teenage protagonist. A lone male crusader for justice not entirely sure of what he's getting into, a wild man living in the woods on his wits and conducting singular acts of industrial espionage, corporate abuse of Florida's natural environment, an attractive girl who's got it together much more than the male lead, one or two authority figures doing their best to work outside the bounds of their jobs... it's all here. And it's fun!

ripped from the body of the Rocking Vicar

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"
Parishioner James Barnes: 'A 'friend' of mine, now rather influential in concert travel, was in New York circa 1989 and managed to pass himself off as Clint Poppie of PWEI to two young Brooklyn ladies. Probably more fun than Clint ever had apparently.'

WHO? WHAT!
Parishioner Andy Miller writes: “Further to Parishioner TJ Worthington's comments, the links between Jon Pertwee and Deep Purple do indeed run deep and, um, purple. In 1972 Pertwee released a single called 'Who Is Doctor Who?' b/w 'Pure Mystery' on the group's Purple Records, backed by Glover, Lord et al. Of course, it's a hard-boogyin' version of the Doctor Who theme, over which Jon Pertwee intones these lyrics:
I cross the void beyond the mind The empty space that circles time I see where others stumble blind To seek a truth they never find Eternal wisdom is my guide I am the Doctor

Through cosmic waste the TARDIS flies To taste the secret source of life A presence science can't deny exists Within, outside, behind The latitude of human minds I am the Doctor

My voyage dissects the course of time "Who knows?" you say - but are you right? Who searches deep to find the light That glows so darkly in the night Toward that point I guide my flight

As fingers move to end mankind Metallic teeth begin to grind With sword of truth I turn to fight The satanic powers of the night Is your faith before your mind? Know me - am I the Doctor?

ROCK/CELEBRITY INTERSECTIONS
Parishioner Jack Walton in the USA: "My tale intersects the threads Legends de Jour and Spizz Oil I Knew. In October 1991 I was a yank in London for a semester of college abroad. A friend took me to see Smashing Pumpkins at Camden Underworld. The next day we discovered that the band was staying at the hotel next to our flat. We hung around outside until young Billy Corgan appeared, with a hookerish companion in tow, who had a drowned-rat thing happening. We told him we were fellow midwesterners & etc., and got autographs. Afterwards, Billy indicated his date and said, "She's famous too." "OK, thanks Billy," we replied, dismissing the final comment as a vague joke. Days later, the new Melody Maker found Everett True continuing his horny campaign towards the cause of Hole, with pictures of the frontperson.. 'She's famous too!' How proud were we of the snub."

ROCK/CELEBRITY INTERSECTIONS
Parishioner Alan Robinson: "There aren't enough Peter Blegvad stories. I did some press work with Peter in 1999, and landed him an appearance on the Ned Sherrin 'Loose Ends' show on Radio 4. We bowled up at the BBC at 9 in the morning one Saturday, and reported to the security bloke at the reception. I told him what we were there for, he looked the list up and down, and said, "naaah, mate, your name's not down". I clearly saw our names down on the list and pointed it out to him, and in the grudging way that BBC doormen do, reluctantly dished out our passes and phoned The Loose Ends production office. There was a shuffling noise behind me, and there stood Sir Robin Day, who was also doing the show. He did the usual thing: "Day. Sir Robin Day. For the 'Loose Ends' show." The doorman looked at the list (where Day's name was clearly visible), and he said, "naaah, Mate your name's not down." Simultaneously, another 'Loose Ends' guest, Ian Lavender (Private Pike in Dad's Army, of course) turned up, wherein the doorman dropped the list and shouted "Mister Lavender - come in - lovely to see you again. Saw your name down on the list. I'll take you to the studio myself", leaving Sir Robbo standing forlornly on his jack in the yawning chasm of the BBC Broadcasting House. He looked at Peter and me, and said "arse". And sat down. He died not that long after!"

THE NETWORK THAT LIKES TO SAY 'NO'
Parishioner Phil Clark: "The Stranglers, upon scoring a Hit Parade win in 1977 with "Peaches", hastily recorded a "Radio Play Version" and patched out the word "clitoris" with "bikini" and then, in the following line, replaced "bummer" with "summer". Mmmm. Can't say "bum" on the BBC, Hugh."

ROCK LEGENDS DOWN ON THEIR LUCK
Parishioner Richard: "A friend of mine who worked in a second hand record store in San Francisco told me that Skip Spence occasionally wandered in and demanded royalties on 2nd hand Airplane/Grape lps (and perhaps even the odd copy of Oar). Apparently this was a common phenomenon in the city's record stores and the consensus was that $5 was acceptable."

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I caught my first Olympic train today

Rolling out just, what, four years behind schedule? And even two years late for its renaming as the Millennium Train. Good work, CityRail!

My favourite bit is the way the bright yellow doors and faceplate make it look like something waterproof designed in the '80s. If these start going through the Harbour, I'll never drive to work again...

a task he can handle

Justin Green wants to sell you a hand-carved GWB monkey pencil holder.

you don't say

higher rent, cheaper porn

Joe Matt is moving to NYC.

from this week's belated Title Bout

NINE L0VES OF EL GATO CRIME MANGLER $5.00

FUUUUUCK, that’s a great title. Man, what a great title. See, but this raises its own problem. Most titles are bland and mediocre, if not downright stupid.

But a title this good -- we all know that no comic can possibly live up to this title. It’s not possible. If you’re a comic creator, you have to come up with a good title, but if you come up with one that’s too good -- nothing can live up to this title. It’s just too good -- El Gato would have to mangle more crime and lay down more lovin’ than you can humanly squeeze into any single comic book to live up to the comic that title creates in your head. It’s like the myth of Icarus -- they tried to fly too high and their wings melted. Poor, beautiful bastards.
more at Title Bout

peddling ware

The Acme Novelty Datebook cover.

no fucking kidding

The Onion, 18 January 2001:

Bush: `Our Long National Nightmare Of
Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"
full comedy, horror continued here

savvy smh

cauterised

Jimmy Cauty has a new band.

snot snake

oh yes it is

evv faaa nug subwah

Definitively the worst sound mix I’ve ever heard in the Metro. All of Pete Shelley’s lyrics lost to muddiness (and really, what is the point of a Buzzcocks gig where you can’t hear the words in the songs?). Both guitars so buried in the mix that it makes almost no difference to the sound when, at the end of the main set, Diggle and Shelley both leave their instruments feeding back and leave the stage for their young bassist and drummer to indulge in a tedious rhythm solo.

But can you really complain too much about any gig, by anyone, that opens with Boredom and closes the encore with Ever Fallen In Love?

JR & the Patsies