Emma writes from LA
Hello friends!
Shock, horror, Anna and I love LA. We have been staying in an old 1930s
hotel, now hostel in Hollywood, behind the Chinese Theatre. When we arrived
we checked in, called my man in LA (hey Brandon) who picked us up and took
us to the Getty museum. After an exciting tour of the very large vehicles in
the parking lot we went to the actual museum. It is free and has some
fantastic views of LA. Brandon then took us to a barbeque where most people
worked in the movie industry. Trippy. After a detour chez Brandon we then
went to a poolhall where I embarrassed myself for two hours and Anna played
like Fast Eddie. It must have been the US beer. By this stage we had had a
few hours sleep in about 48hours so we went home to bed and sleep. Today
Anna and I did the cliches- the walk of fame, Chinese theatre and Venice
beach. We feel very much at home and I love love love being hot again. Oh, I
could write heaps on Auckland airport and the hilarious adventures we had
there, but I am running out of time.
The stuff you really want to know:
Beverages we have drunk: Strawberry fou fou drinks, Root beer (snigger),
American beer (tastes like water and is about as alcoholic. Anna loves it).
American toilets: people look at you strangely if you ask for the toilet.
They want you to say "restroom". They are very low and have lots of water in
them. Weird.
Californian buses: are driven by very forgiving people. You do not get
change and try not to block other people in. Anna had someone say: "Excuse
me Mama" because she was in the way. Anna considers that a compliment on the
size of her bum.
The people generally: insanely friendly and often pretty wacky. Strangers
like to come up to us and comment on things. "Are they Chuck Ts you wearing?
They cool, you cool", "Don't read the newspaper! Look around you!" even the
cliche from the busdriver at the airport "Get in, we're going to Hollywood,
check out some movie stars" We have even had an offer of marriage. Kind of.
We are of course missing everyone muchly and wish you were all here. But as you are not we will have extreme amounts of fun for you. Love you, mean it, missing you already.
ZGT - Annandale Hotel Saturday night
Ladies and germs,
You are cordially invited to see Zombie Ghost Train this Saturday night at The Annandale Hotel, Sydney. For a night of horror and rock n' roll, also featuring the dangerously cool Tito Riviera and the Pearlbirds, along with MzAnnThropik. Doors open 8pm, ZGT on stage approx. 10:30pm. See you there and feel free to purchase our new cd "Monster Formal Wear" on the night for $10. Cheers to all who came to our Sydney CD launch in May, we broke the house record for the venue with over 320 punters and a fiendish night was had by all. You can check out a review of the launch in Brag this week (we swear we didn't even have to pay for it).
Emma writes from NYC
Because everyone's your friend in New York City!
I sit here in a Manhattan Apartment, around the corner from Broadway, with a
view over the Hudson River, wondering what the poor people are doing. So,
what are you all up to?
I better start where I left off. End of LA: On Monday night we went to meet Brandon for dinner. We travelled on the LA subway. Yes, LA has a train system. Has anyone ever heard of this before? It is the cleanest train I have ever seen, it is insanely cheap, the quietest train station I have ever been on and only goes to about three places in LA. Anna and I were getting peckish on the platform, so Anna brought out the bickies she nicked from the Brisbane-Sydney flight (you are supposed to leave the food on the plane Anna) and we had started to munch when a woman said "Be careful, be careful" . She then pointed to a sign saying no food on the train platform, $250 fine. She told us police patrol to enforce this. A minute later we see the police. Some people say LA has a crime problem, but at least they have stopped that serious biscuit-eating problem on their train system. The trip took 3 minutes and Brandon met us and and took us out for yummy Thai food. There was too much food. Methinks this will be a theme in our travels. He then took us to a very cool record store called Amoeba Records. It is huge and exciting, with old and new and lots of wonderful posters. I was overloaded and could not even remember what bands I liked. Poor me. Brandon had to fly out the next day, and as it was almost midnight and he hadn't started packing, he gave us both a passionate embrace and bid us farewell. Hope you are having fun in Holland Brandon!
The next day, Anna and I had to fly out at 3.30, so we had a morning to fill in. Anna has coined the term "tourist slut" and that is what we felt like when we went to Beverley Hills. By this stage we had the public transport system worked out. Busdrivers had been looking at us strangely because we kept asking them the price. There are only two fares in LA. One for if you transfer, one if you don't. It only took us 5 bus trips to figure this out- go Bimbo Twins! Beverley Hills is green and flowery and slightly unreal. We the only people strolling the streets. After our walk we stayed a whole 15 minutes and got the bus back. It was then time to leave to go to the airport.
LA airport is a Hellmouth. It is run by demons and exists to perpetuate evil. They were mean and scared Anna, who reacted by allowing our film to be destroyed by the x-ray. Big bullies. They also would not give us seat allocations, and when they did, separated us. I am not looking forward to being there by myself for the return journey. After an exciting 15 minutes in Pheonix, definitely not a Hellmouth, we were next to each other for our flight to New York. Or so we thought. We were actually booked to go to Newark, New Jersey. This is very close to New York, but as the New Jersey native told us: "Get out of New Jersey as quickly as possible!" We got a taxi which went on the New Jersey Turnpike (we did not see Cusack popping out of John Malkovich's brain) and arrived at Joanne and Andrew's place at the convenient hour of 2.00am.
Joanne and Andrew, friends of Anna (and now my new best friends- hello Joanne!) and have a most wonderful apartment in a buliding with a doorman. It is very much, as Joanne says, like living in Sesame Street. There are cute kids playing everywhere, buildings with fire escapes and fire hydrants on the streets. I keep looking for Oscar the Grouch. After snoozing for a few hours, we got up to tackle our first day in New York City. We had mega tourist slut day. We got the subway on Broadway into Times Square. We managed to take about 10 photos in the first 10 minutes (although granted, the film may be stuffed because of the x-ray in LA) and looked up and up and up. We managed to see: Rockefeller Centre, St Patrick's Cathedral, Saks, Grand Central Station, tall buildings, more tall buildings, cool buildings like the Chrysler, then the UN. We paid for a tour of the UN, which I highly recommend for if you are ever in New York. I went crazy and purchased 5 educational books in the bookstore and we both sent postcards for the UN post office (they are like the Vatican and have their own postal service). BTW, there are a number of people whose addresses I don't have. If you want a postcard from me, just email me your address and I will send you the cheesiest one I can find.
After we left the UN we went to the the Empire State Building. You line up to get security checked, to get your tickets, to get on the first elevator, to get on the second elevator, to get down the second elevator, to get down the first elevator. I swear, it took us about and hour to even get our of the builidng. Anna entertained herself in these queues by pointing to signs about weapon restrictions and asking in a loud voice if I had brought mine or not. I think Anna wants us to get arrested while we are in America. Once we finally got up the builiding, we saw the excellent views that it offers. We went halves in a headphone set that would tell us about the buildings. It was narrated by Tony the Tosser who would say 2 interesting bits of information then wank on again for ages.
It was 6pm when we started to leave the Empire State Builidng. We had to be
back at Jo and Andrew's by 8. Plenty of time we thought. Not for the Biimbo
Twins! By the time we were heading for Grand Central Station down Park
Avenue it was 7.30. We hurried to the subway to get on line 7 to take us
home. Once we got to the platform I asked why there wasn't a 7 mentioned
anywhere. Wrong platform. Once we got to the right platform, I asked why it
said it was going to Queens. Wrong train station. Once we were running out
of the station I asked if we could get a train from this station to the
correct one. Once we were back on the same platform we jumped on a train to
Times Square. Sigh. Sit. Rest. First station, fifth ave. Second station, no
sign. I ask a lady what staion we were at. She did not speak English. "No
worries," says Anna, "Times Square is the end of the line. We can't miss it."
We sit and wait for the train to move again for about 5 minutes. It is now 8
o'clock. Whoops. The train starts moving. We sit and chat until I say "Isn't
this train going in the wrong direction?" Yes it is. Before we get to
Flushing, Queens, we leap off onto Grand Central Station, get on another
train, and finally get to Times Square. We managed to only be 20 minutes
late. We had dinner in a diner once Joanne got home. Too much food. Went for
a walk along the Hudson river, returned to write the world's longest email.
Hurrah! This email has kindly been sponsored by Joanne and Andrew Macdonald.
A special thank-you also to B2, Anna Marsh, could have done it without you,
but it wouldn't have been as much fun.
Less next time, promise.
Kiss, kiss
Emma
Anna writes from America
Happy 4th July Everyone!So much has happened since I last wrote, Emma and I have been very busy little vegemites. We have just had a lovely 4th of July - relaxing with Jo and Andrew, then all four of us doing some sightseeing in the afternoon (Central Park with lots of happy people having family gatherings like Australia day at the beach, Cathedral of St John Devine, and Columbia University), and then going to Brooklyn to watch the fireworks with a Manhatten backdrop. We finished the day with a big slice of New York pizza for dinner. We are all very tired and should be in bed now!
Instead I am going to try and fill you in on the last few days. After our big day in LA (Hollywood and Venice beach) Emma's friend took us out to dinner at a Thai resturant (kind nice boy) and then to his favourite record store (very immpressive store). We then said good bye and had our last night in our hostel. The next morning we checked out and had a stroll around Beverly Hills - it is such a different world there.
We then rushed back to catch our bus to the airport for the worst experience of my life. LA airport is HORRIBLE!!! We got there without enough time (the bus drivers fault not mine!!)and then after being overwhelmed by all the people yelling and bustling about we checked in. Unfortunately the lovely suitcase I have was several pounds (17, much to Emma's disgust) overweight and only international travellers are allowed to travel with excess baggage and not pay. The check-in lady asked me for "information" - I had no idea what she meant so she kept asking me for "information" in a louder and louder voice until I clicked that she was actually asking for my international ticket. After that I was so flustered that my suitcase went through the X-ray machine with ALL of our film in it. The ordeal wasn't over yet - we hadn't been given seat allocations (it took a while to work out that this isn't standard practice). It was very disturbing to be standing in line waiting for the time to pass before your seat can be allocated while the rest of the passengers are boarding. We still haven't been given an explanation.
When we finally boarded Emma and I discovered that we weren't sitting
next to each other - fortunately the first leg to Phoenix was short
and the airport there was nice. We found a nice man to rearrange the
seating so we were together for the next leg (which for some reason we
had been given seat allocations in LA that weren't together despite
checking in together - GRRRRR!). We both were able to get a good rest
before arriving in NY (beautiful view from the window seat (thanks to
nice man!!)) at 1:30am. After a scary stint collecting our bags
(Emma's looked lost forever at one stage and an intense taxi driver
was hassling us) we had a nice taxi ride to 230 Riverside drive. We
were greeted by a very sleepy Jo and Andrew and had our first sleep in
NY after the tour of their FANTASTIC apartment(all done from the front
door!!). We got up (LA time) the next morning and got straight into
the sights - but as this is already an ENORMOUS email and everyone
else here is in bed I shall have to leave that until next time!
Hope you are all well.
Missing you lots (except Jo and Emma!)
Love Anna
that's Cape, not capes
Some guy has blog-posted excerpts from an interview with Dan Franklin, publishing director of Jonathon Cape, the division of Random House that's been the world's best comics publisher for the last four years (Ethel & Ernest, Gemma Bovary, Jimmy Corrigan the Smartest Boy On Earth, Ghost World, David Boring, etc.). No idea who he is or why, or where the full interview might or might not run, but let's not stare too hard at the horse's teeth.What’s interesting about ‘Ghost World’… the thing about a list like Cape is that normally you don’t have any backlist. The Cape backlist, it’s all sold by Vintage [a Random House paperback imprint], basically. We have our six months or three months or whatever and then all the sales are done by Vintage. So the only things we’ve got are kind of ‘Swallows and Amazons’ and the odd thing, you know, Neruda’s poems or whatever, but suddenly with this stuff you’ve got a backlist. And ‘Ghost World’ is an absolute classic example of it, because it’s selling three to four hundred a month. Month in, month out.Full thingo on blokey's LiveJournal right here.
Emma writes from America
The Bronx is up and the Battery's downHello friends, get ready for a whopper. So much to tell you all! I better go chronologically and believe me, I am actually leaving some things out.
So, for our second day in NY city. We got started latish (have I mentioned
that we hit LA time (they are 3 hours behind the east coast) and stuck
there? It means we sleep in and stay up late)) and headed to Central Park.
We started at Strawberry Fields (no fruit to Anna's disappointment) then
frolicked around the the Hans Christian Anderson and Alice in Wonderland
statues. We also saw the Boat Pond, where Holden Caulfield fretted about
ducks and Stuart Little went sailing. (We didn't see either unfortunately).
Just before this we were asked directions. This was the first of NINE times
we have been asked for directions in the past 4 days. We have a theory. We
are not really dressing like tourists (especially not American tourists), we
seem like we know where we are going (because occasionally we refer to
maps), but we seem approachable and are looking up and smiling. We have even
been able to help a few people, we feel chuffed whenever it happens. I
digress. All of these things were on the way to the Metropolitan Museum of
Art, one of the largest museums anywhere.
When we entered we both had brain overload. I recovered a little before Anna and said "I'll lead shall I?", Anna nodded mutely and I dragged her around the Greek and Roman exhibits before heading to the Anicent Egypt section. They have one of the largest collections on Ancient Egypt in the world, inlcuding an entire tomb they have moved from its orginal location (it is ok, it was going to be flooded if it stayed in Egypt). After "oohing" and "aahing" quite a bit, we went on a guided tour of the rest of the museum. This took over an hour and we were only told about one item in each exhibit. Plus the guide left some stuff out; you would need a year to get through that place. I am a museum junky, I crave more and more. I bought some educational stuff in the store and we left at closing time.
We had to meet Jo and Andrew at Union Square at 7.30, so we went through more of Central Park on the way to the subway. We managed to see a few sterotypical views of Central Park on the way. Lots of people roller-blading and dog-walking, muscians, people performing Shakespeare, couples snogging. I was even chatted up by a guy playing chess (yes Colleen, I was wearing Hooker-skirt). Manhatten does public space so well. Rent costs a fortune, but it is easy to spend very little on entertainment, especially in Summer. It was funny that the only time since our trip has started that we have really felt we were in a dodgy place was walking through the Rambles in the middle of the day. It is so quiet, you feel alone, then strange men appear out of nowhere (then they nod politely and we scamper off).
After meet Jo and Andrew, we headed through China Town and ended up having dinner in Little Italy. The water thing- in the US you get water in restaurants without asking for it. This is a good thing. They also top it up if you drink it. Also good. I have been drinking lots of water because it has been in the 30s the whole time we have been here and we have been walking lots. I am good. However, this means I need to go to the toilet a lot. Anna, the dehydration queen, has taken to calling me Pee-Girl all the time. THIS IS NOT VERY NICE ANNA!
So, the food and atmosphere were very good in Little Italy, and their toilets were pretty good as well. We walked back to Union Square and I had NY Cheesecake for dessert. Divine. Wacky US thing: in every place they serve food they also have this poster showing people what to do in the event of someone choking. Hee. They also have signs in toilets saying "Law requires employees to wash their hands before returning to work". Wacky. We laughed at Jo's tea which was the ginormous and almost impossible to drink. How to make a fortune in New York. Open a tea shop. You would get expats plus trendy New Yorkers. I rule.
Now we reach 4th of July. Very big sleep in. We were supposed to head to Boston, but we called and changed our plans. Instead we went with Jo and Andrew to meet Jo's friends to watch the fireworks from Brooklyn. They fireworks are let off from two barges in the river, so we were able to watch them with the Manhattan skyline in the background. I get ahead of myself. First we went through more of Central Park. It was 4th of July and people were treating the Park like a beach. Umbrellas, BBQs, kids playing, lots of fun. We headed near Harlem, then went to the Church of St John the Divine. It was started in the 1800s and when it is finished will be the largest in the world. It was pretty interesting and very beautiful. They had sculptures and exhibits to recognise their work in different areas, as well as a poetry corner and a geometry exhibition. After this we went to Colombia University. Nice place. We snuck into a buliding when people were leaving so Pee-girl and Jo could use their facilities.
Now to the fireworks. I am sure we had the best view of anyone in New York. Jo wanted to get good photos so she led the way. Thank-you thank-you thank-you Jo. After being security checked (the two old Brooklyn ladies behind us asked to be frisked) we sat to wait a couple of hours for them to start. Because of the security we couldn't get food easily, so I was starving and grumpy by this stage. Then the fireworks started. Lots and lots of pretty sparkling lights is what Emmas like best. Hooray, cheer, "Go red". About 40 minutes later we got on the subway again for the long trip home. We had traditional NY pizza at about midnight for dinner then went to bed.
Next day. We had to get to Boston. We decided to get the el-cheapo China Town bus. This meant a saving of about $90 US each. They were started so illegal immigrants could get cheaply between NY and Boston to work, then the backpackers and students discovered them. After a stressful time getting there, finding where they leave from, then getting something to eat (plus Pee-Girl had to pee) we were off. The driver was driving like a maniac in this overgrown mini-bus and we were bumping happily along for a few hours when we smelt burning rubber. Not the brakes we agreed, the driver wasn't using them. Too far away for the clutch. Ahh, whatever, lets look out the window. Then the knocks started. Something was banging under our feet. Rocks? Pretty regular rocks. They got louder and more frequent. The med-student sitting next to me started to run up the aisle, the busdriver realised something was wrong, really loud bangs, brakes, then med-student threw himself down, then we ran off the road. A tire had blown right under Anna's and my feet. The med-student confessed he was running away because he thought something was coming through the floor, not to warn the busdriver as we thought (I am sure he'll go far). As these buses leave every 30 minutes, we waited until some more came by and made the rest of the trip to Boston. We got to the hostel at about 10pm. In order to recover we had to discover the bright lights of Boston. We went to a few bars, but they shut pretty early (around 2pm). Back at the hostel we started chatting to a Scot and a Frenchman on the stairs. At 5.30 we went to bed, almost recovered from our hazardous journey.
The YHA in Boston is pretty cool. There was a foozball table next to our bedroom, the bathroom was painted red and had free soap and shampoo, plus a hairdyer. Boston itself was the least exciting city in our trip so far. It is pretty, has very nice shops and looks historic. We had a lazy shopping day, I had Ben and Jerrys icecream (sooooooooooo yummy, I had Chunky Monkey- banana with chocolate chunks). That afternoon we caught the Boston Duck. This is a cheesy tourits thing which is really quite fun. It is a bus which turns into a boat. Boston people quack at you as you go by and you are supposed to quack back. We got to see most of Boston this way with an excellent gudie. After this, we walked through the historic section of Boston. Beacon Hill, Boston Common etc, I had Chowder in a pub and we headed back for sleepy-bo-bos.
Not long now people, I have hit today. We got the train to Cambridge, just across the river from Boston, and checked out Harvard. It is a cool old university. The end.
Getting the China Town bus back was less stressful. We were on a full size bus and drove a little slower. However, there was still adventure to be had. When we arrived back in NY we had to get to Jo and Andrew's house. We were way downtown (we have been navigating by the song: "New York, New York, it's a wonderful town/ The Bronx is up and the Battery's down") and had to get uptown. We knew what lines to get, but couldn't find the N or the R. We find the Q. I say "Can we get the Q?" Anna says "Yes", I get on the train. Anna says "What are you doing?", the doors shut. I bang on the doors yelling "I'll get off at the next stop" Anna pisses herself laughing, I sit down with a whole carriage looking at me. Good going B1. (BTW, Anna says she heard me says something and said "Uh?", which I took to be an answer to my question). The train I got was going to Brighton Beach. Very soon I was crossing a bridge going out of Manhattan. Uh-oh. "I hope Anna stays there" I think. Evenutually we stop, I race to a returning platform, get back to the station I left from to see Anna smiling and waving on the other side of the tracks. Phew. Anna says she was about to get on a train to follow me because I was taking so long. Finally we got home to have an exciting meal of alphabet soup. I made my dinner say "boo" and "Emma". Anna made hers say "grrr" and "Anna 4 Brett". awww.
Now I had better stop. Oh, I have seen a bus depot with all yellow American school buses- so cute!
Love and hugs to everyone
B1
snippets from the Rock Vic
POPSTRELS WE STILL FANCYsign the parish register at RV.com
Parishioner Jonathan Hawkes: "On the subject of wonderfully preserved popstars, can I nominate Kate Pierson of the ever loveable B-52's? Not only still a mighty fine looking woman, but still thinks nothing of dressing in dayglo outfilts, dancing like an art student after some particularly good smokes and singing about wigs, lobsters and ufo's well into her late 40's!"Parishioner Graham Johns: "I saw Blondie last year & they weren't much cop but the audience was collectively taken by the lasting pulchritude of La Harry. A little fuller of figure now but still capable of bringing back that strange adolescent urge to be suddenly alone that I used to get after watching her on TOTP. And what about "Popstrels We Didn't Fancy Then But Do Now"? Alison Moyet made Vince Clarke look handsome in 1982 but is now completely stunning."
PERFECT SOUND FOREVER?
Parishioner Jody Thompson: "Never mind CD rot, becoming a fresher at the University Of East Anglia is lethal for your vinyl. In 1989 as I prepared to embark on my stint in higher education, I insisted to my dad that we pack my entire vinyl collection into the boot of his Cavalier in the move from the Fenland bosom of my parents to my student digs in Norwich. He moaned all the way that it was ruining his suspension. He may have been right, as on arrival, we discovered that one of the wheel arches in the boot had heated up so much that all my seven inches had melted in a sort of Elizabethan collar/crinkle cut chip style. Every Smiths single up to that point, originals of Marvin Gaye's 'Ain't That Peculiar' and 'Can I Get A Witness?', and even Motorcycle Boy's 'Big Rock Candy Mountain' among dozens and dozens of others, all reduced to looking like outsize Pontefract cakes cut with pinking shears. And totally and utterly unplayable.I have kept each poor little cremated single to this day though, still couldn't bear to be parted with them. My dad, however, thought it was hilarious retribution for the time I was playing hide and seek at a very young age and had stood on the pile of rare jazz 78s he kept at the bottom of the wardrobe, breaking every single one of them. I guess he had a point."THE DICTIONARY OF HIP (REPLACEMENT)
Parishioner Annie Weller via parishioner Karen Krizanovich: "Mick Jagger was on the cover of a recent American Association Of Retired People Magazine. So it only follows that a few of the OTHER 'groovy' artists have re-released their greatest hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audiences. Some examples: Herman's Hermits' "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker", The Rolling Stones' "You Can't Always Pee When You Want", Paul Simon's "Fifty ways to Lose Your Liver", The Bee Gees' "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip", Roberta Flack's"The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face", The Who's "Talkin' bout My Medication" and so on..."GRIS GRIS GUMBO BE WITH YOU
Parishioner Gordon Kerr: "While half-heartedly listening to the radio I was surprised to hear on the news that Dr John had been appointed Bishop of Reading! (Yourself being criminally overlooked) Of course he turned out to be the Elton John look-a-like gay bishop and not the Nightrider. Still for a moment I thought that's one Evensong I'd love to go to!!! It got me thinking is there a Father Van Halen or Rabbi Ron Mael out there?"A SHELTERED LIFE
Parishioner Peter Kaminski: "I took my significant other to see Robbie Wiliams at Murrayfield yesterday. She remarked that she had only been to two concerts (this and Russell Watson) and both had the same initials. She refused my gracious offers to take her to see Roger Waters, Richard Wright, Rick Wakeman, Robert Wyatt, or Rufus Wainwright. When you are driving to your holiday destination, why not see if you can find a set of initials with more rock/pop/opera cantors than RW? It may keep the kids amused!"
Alan Moore interviewed in Sunday Herald
Emma writes from Washington DC
FloodDear people,
There were going to be many titles for this email: Ms S______ Goes To
Washington in honour of the great film by Frank Capra; Jerry Springer does
Scary Girls At Greyhound Stations; but I thought I would stick to the
musical theme and name it after that excellent album by They Might Be
Giants. I shall start at the beginning.
Because we still wanted to see things in New York before we left that afternoon, we had evrything packed and ready and planned to get up bright and early so we could fill our museum quota before we left. As always, we slept in and ended leaving the house at 11.30. Whoops. We raced to the Museum of Natural History. They have a cool dinosaur in the lobby, which is useful, because that is pretty much all we saw. The queue was enormous and we didn't have much time. So I conned a security guard into letting us into the gift store where I continued my addiction by purchasing further items there. (I managed to get everything packed in my bag by carrying the sleeping bag.) This was good also because we were able to check out the elephants on the way to the shop.
We raced out of there and power-walked through Central Park and up Museum Mile so we could check out the outside of the Guggenheim. It is a nice building but could do with a scrub. After checking out Jo and Andrew's Magic Map Book (which Anna has nicked off with- sorry guys), we figured that it was easier to walk to the Frick than get a subway. So we power walked 20 blocks there. This is an interesting museum, which holds the private art collection of a man, Mr Frick funnily enough, in his house. There we Turners, Gainsboroughs, Rembrandts, Whistlers, pretty furniture and amsuing security guards. One guard told me that Woody Allen had been in 2 hours previously. The guard was offended that Woody Allen ran off after he said "I know who you are." He also thinks Soon Yi is too skinny.
We had to be very quick in the Frick, (heehee, rhymes), because we had to get back to Jo and Andrew's before three. Now, I love Central Park, but the only way to get across is to walk it. So we did. Then the rain started. It poured. We skipped and frolicked and swore occasionally and were very wet by the time we got to the subway. We took the rain as a sign from the gods that we shouldn't get the Chinatown bus, but instead pay more, but stay dry by going with Greyhound.
Have I mentioned Anna's bag at all? Anna has not brought a suitcase. She has borught a small car. It is huge and very very heavy. She was bright red by the time she had dragged it up and down a few sets of subway stairs. We managed to get to the ticket line, bought a ticket (Anna has diagnosed the problem with some US service. They don't listen well. They just repeat their question louder, getting more and more frustrated. They have a set series of phrases they are willing to accept as answers to a question and if you deviate, beware) and lined up for the bus. While we were waiting I watched as a girl and her mother pushed in in our line, dropped bags and hooned off. I was all for letting the security know that there were unattended bags so they could blow them up or something (As Dan the Automobile says: "You get locked up for pushing in in our country"). I should have. The line started to move and the girl wasn't back. We were just about to the head of the line when the girl raced up. She looked at me and said in a very bitchy voice: "Do you realise you cut in in front of me?" I replied calmly "Um, no we didn't". Bitchier voice "yes you did". "Er, no, you pushed in to the front of the line, left your bags and have just come back now. We saw you." "I know I did, but you are a (long stream of swearing, which I did not actually hear. When I asked her to repeat it she said "you heard me", when I really hadn't. I wanted the real words for the email. I care about my readers). Scary Jerry Springer girl got bored with me then and started to talk to the lady behind us. She was the last one on the bus so I don't think anyone let her in. She ended up sitting two seats in front of us and talked for the 5 hour trip to Washington. She tried to chat up the guy behind her for hours but he managed to make her cry. When we were waiting for the bus to leave there was an announcement. "Could the girl with the purple ribbon on her bag, please come to the front of the bus". This was Anna. She came back 10 minutes later with a huge plastic bag full of her stuff which she had to take out of her back to make it underweight. Oh, how she embarrasses me.
So, we make it to Washington. Kind Mick, another friend of Anna's, was there to meet us. We lugged our stuff to the subway and went to Arlington. Now, it is a 10-15 minute walk from the subway to Mick's house. The sky was really wierd, all stormy and foggy, but there were no cabs, it wasn't raining, so we started to walk. About five minutes from Mick's house it started to pour and we got drenched for the second time in a day. There was massive lightening, huge thunder and we were carrying extremely heavy bags. We had obviously offended the gods somehow. We got to Mick's about 11.30pm, very wet and very hungry. He went to show us the basement, which is fully carpeted, has electronic equipment, a bedroom etc, so we could put up our wet stuff, when Mick noticed a wet patch on the carpet. They had had slight flooding the day before and obviously it was starting again. While we were looking at it, knee high water started gushing in from a crack in the door. Uh-oh. We quickly started to move stuff, Mick woke up his flatmate, Dave, and they went to make dams and channels, bail out water and try and stem the flow. Anna and I were bailing out downstairs, trying to clean the carpet and laughing hysterically. The dams were successful and we sat down to a delightful dinner at 1am.
Understandably we slept in this morning. Kind Mick fed us waffles, and now we are sitting in his lab at 2.30pm about to start sight-seeing. We've had adventures people!
Hope you are all well.
Lots of love,
Emma
the long and the short from this week's Vicar
It took the merest mention of the name Samuel Amphong to send the parish racing to the 'compose' tab to share their recollections of this bit player in rock and roll's ancient pantomime. He originally appeared in the NME's letters page back...but let parishioner DANNY BAKER take up the story....Subscribe at the rocking vicarage"The phrase 'where is Beatles band?' started off a genuine letter from one Samuel K. Amphong of Thailand who startled awake Charles Shaar Murray, up until that point grudgingly on the week's arduous Gasbag patrol. Then he opened a strange scrawled envelope bearing an exotic foreign stamp. It ran, "NME! Where is Beatles band? This band who have not been as of late clear of circumstance. Beatles Band! Can we no longer hear there medolious throng? John! Paul! All in Beatles Band come forth! What question have we to put? Now? Arguments neccessary can begin with whole results expected for any return. Ringo! Here in Thailand Beatles band experience is long loved and can be hurt away from John, Paul etc. Please give any news to Samuel K. Amphong of address similar to above. yours as in rock! Samuel K Amphong." As you can imagine such rare script in no way made the inhabitants of Carnaby Street speak in an affected idiotic manner for the next six months because, as we are all aware, hacks in rock offices hate esoteric jokes and things like that. Not a single thing was ever "medolius" that's for sure. The only thing that they hate more than buzz words and private gags is upping the ante, and so, I close by asking is it too late to say I hate Rock Follies?”
This could prove as difficult an issue to 'bottom out' as Alistair's Campbell's dossiers. Parishioner TIM EARNSHAW has this version of the original letter: "My question, "popmusic" fans, is WHERE IS BEATLESBAND? Thes swinging foursome break all "popmusic" records with happy tunes but DISSAPEAR when "JOHN" marry Oko Yono, distressing "fans" all over world with zany art HAPENINGS; make scratch heads!!!! So, "popfans" the world over, my question WHERE IS BEATLESBAND? Do we hear a new "LP" from those long-haired lovers from LIVERPOOL??? Samuel AMPHONG"
There is something about that sudden lurch into CAPS that suggest authenticity. Parishioner FAT PAULIE adds that AMPHONG was namechecked on the first Higsons single, "I Don't Want To Live With Monkeys". Can any parishioners use the Interweb to find out anything more about this man. Does he know he is revered in a distant land? Isn't this what happened to the Duke Of Edinburgh in certain Polynesian Islands?
I LEFT MY HEART IN EAST KILBRIDE
Posts from parishioners in Glasgow always have a special flavour. Witness this from TONY KIERNAN:
"Tony Bennett recently played George Sq in Glasgow to close the annual Jazz Festival. Apparently, during the proceedings the audience got so swept up in the moment that they decided to join in and singalong. As is usual in these instances, their timing was shot to hell. As a result they were way ahead Mr Bennett. At a quiet moment, a voice rose from the crowd: "Try and keep up, wee man..."
baby got comeback
The Onion: What inspired you to write ["Put 'Em On The Glass"]?Sir Mix-A-Lot: "Baby Got Back." There's no sense in lying about it. It was like, "Asses, what's next? Titties!" I mean, it really was a stupid move. I shouldn't have done it. But shoulda, coulda, woulda.
read today
1995, issue #1. What happens next in young Edgar J. Hoover's life to set him on the course of perversion and repression that the rest of his life took, Reynolds?
Emma writes from San Francisco
I am Going to Washington That Man Right Out of My Hair
or Viva Las Vegas
or Busby Berkley Dreams
Despite all attempts to the contrary, Anna and I are still alive! I am
in my
final full day in the US which I am spending in beautiful San Francisco.
But
as I haven't emailed in what feels like a month, I have to tell you what
happened in Washington.
Washington is my kind of town: it has heaps of museums and nearly all of them are FREE. The Smithsonian is a series of museums and art galleries along the mall in the US and all of them have free entry. This rocks. Unfortunately, we didn't have the time to see them all so we only managed four in our two day stay. The first we hit was the American History Museum (like I had anything to do with that). In honour of the scientists present we went to the History of Science exhibit where Anna and Mic marvelled at the ancient science equipment. The museum is so large and there is so much to read, that after that we could not look through the other areas as much. We did see the ruby slippers that Judy Garland wore in The Wizard of Oz. and the trumpet that Louis Armstrong learnt to play on. They had an exhibit on the US First Ladies which was cool, but their American Presidents display was called "A Glorious Burden" They had lots of these signs next to a picture of Reagan which made us laugh.
After this we hit the Natural History museum. Now this is an excellent museum. It has lots of skeletons of different animals, starting with dinosours and going through the different classes: mammals, birds, reptiles etc. They are in cool poses and Mic, Anna and I had a great time pointing and laughing. We also made an earthquake, saw lots of scary spiders, saw the Hope diamond and spent the longest time in the museum gift shop. It had excellent toys, and we had to play with them all, but I was restrained and didn't buy any. Oh, and we almost got locked into the museum. Rock.
By this time it was 7.30, so we crashed a birthday dinner of one of Mic's colleagues (another Australian) at a Chinese restaurant. Here Mic impressed me with the amount he can drink by buying a cocktail for two and drinking it by himself. It had a little flame in the middle like a volcano. We went to a pub after that and encountered America's stupid drinking laws for the first time. Three adults we were with had to leave because they were 20 and could not get into the pub. They are grown-ups! Anyhow, we abandoned the youngsters and drank alcohol. Hooray!
We arrived home, Anna and I had a great time playing caterpillar wars in our sleeping bags, then went to sleep for a well-earned rest. Next day we slept in even later, but we still ended up having a "monumental day" (pun, pun). We hit the Washington monuments. We started with the Washington knob, which you can actually go to the top of, but they were booked out. Washington is full of American families on holiday and they all wear t-shirts with the US flag and phrases like "United We Stand" and "America the Beautiful". We risked our lives by getting photos next to the statues in the same pose as the statues. We saw the Lincoln Memorial, the Jefferson memorial, The FDR memerial, the George Mason memerial, the memorials to the Vietnam and Korean wars. The FDR one was my favourite. We also saw the Capitol and the White House. We ended up walking for about 5 hours on this day, but we were rewarded that night by Barbeque Bonanza. We wanted to buy booze for BBQ Bonanza, so we went to the Watergate building to go to the bottle shop. It was shut, but the building looks like it does in that fine movie "Dick". We headed to the train station where I had my finest hour. I slipped and fell on my arse on the escalators. There was such a thump that the whole escalator full of people asked me if I was ok. For those of you who don't know, I have a well-padded butt, so that was ok (not even bruising) but the edge of the stair gouged out two gashes on my arm and I was well and truly shook up. I said ouch a lot and whinged for the next few days, but I have recovered. (I know you were all worried). I lose many things but my dignity most frequently.
BBQ Bonanza was divine. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you Mic.
We were flying to Vegas that evening, but we still managed to have a full day in Sunny Washington. We actually got out of bed BEFORE 9AM! Miracle. Our first stop was the Spy Museum. This actually costs money, but it is so worth it. It is so popular you have to buy tickets in advance. It has lots of cool toys that they have used in spying over the years, a history of spying, exhibits on The Cambridge Five. Stuff on the Cold War. It is excellent and the musuem store is even better. We went to it yesterday when we bought tickets so we could have enough time. We had also pre-booked tickets to the Holocaust Museum and the Washington knob. (Mic was like our own personal tour director). So we went to the Holocaust musuem which was presented really well, then went to the Washington monument. The lift was broken, so we had been thwarted again. No going up the Lady, no going up the knob. Oh well.
We had to get home quickly anyway as we had to make our way to Vegas baby.
We flew into Vegas at 10pm. That means we saw all the pretty lights from the sky. Rock. It was 40 degrees celcius when we arrived at 10pm and they have poker machines in the airport. This was going to be a trippy place. A special kind of person goes to Vegas we discovered. The term White Trash seems a bit harsh, but when you consider people are taking young children to a place where the main entertainment is drinking, gambling and porn, you have to wonder. We were staying at Circus Circus. It was at the end of the Strip and was huuuuge. We had a room with two queen size beds for less than we paid for a dorm bed in Boston. We had one full day in Vegas and two nights. The first day we went to breakfast. Food is very cheap in Vegas, because it is done on such scale. We were little piggies in the breakfast buffet and definitely regretted it afterwards. "Never again!" we swore, but we did it again that night. There aren't that many options.
We had a look around our casino before venturing out doors. It was like walking into an oven. It was very very hot. You did not sweat because the sweat evaporated straight from your body. Hot hot hot. We decided to head for a mall which was only a few blocks away. It took us ages because it was so hot and we had to rest in the shade. The mall was fantastic and I bought many things. I also bought another bag to carry everthing.
That night we caught a bus to look at the Bellagio water display. It was amazing. Pretty water and light display to music. The Pirate Show was closed, so we headed back to Circus Circus. We had to have a token gamble, so we sat down at a roulette table and took turns betting. And I won! We bet all our winnings, so Vegas only made $5 each out of us.
The next morning we bid farewell to Vegas and started our road trip. Anna was very very good and figured out the driving on the right side of the road in the car park. Good Anna. I was map girl, chief navigator. I love maps. We were heading to San Francisco via the Grand Canyon. This was our finest Bimbo Twin hour. Here's a tip folks- that's a two day journey at least. We drove and drove and drove. It was through desert, which is not very interesting after a while. Fortunately we both had great company in each other, and an excellent stereo system.
The Grand Canyon is very pretty and impressive. We stayed for a whole hour then left. We drove and drove and drove. We had dinner at the worst Maccas I have ever been to. They ignored me, had food on the floor, my salad was stale and crazy people were running it. We drove some more. Had a little rest by the side of the road. Drove some more. We arrived in San Francisco in peak hour. It was insane. Anna was very good. It took us about an hour to find the Hertz place and thus endeth our road trip.
We are staying at a hostel in Chinatown. Beside the mean woman who works on reception it is ok. Despite being very tired, we went to see some sights yesterday. We walked around Chinatown, down to Union Square. Caught a train to Castro, the centre of the gay community in SF, then walked up to Haight-Ashbury, where flower power started. The houses look great, the bay peaks at you at unexpected moments and it is quite cool after all the hot places we have been. We caught a bus back to town, then got on a cable car to get back to the hostel. We missed our stop and road all the way to Fisherman's Wharf. Coming back we were standing on the side of the cable car. This is a little scary but very fun. The driver yells out "watch your asses!" and we go chug chug chug. Hooray. We came back to the hostel at 7.00pm, decided to have a little nap. Thirteen hours later and it is morning.
And now we are to today. We have a big day planned, unfortunately Alcatraz is not on the list as it is booked out (thwarted again). Hope you are all well and happy and I will be boring you with photos soon.
Kisses
Emma
PS. Anna has disclosed more information about Jerry Springer girl on the bus. She introduced herself to the guy behind her like this "My name is Denise, but my friends call me Armani because I look good on men." She was classy.
neither pop nor bitch
Dog wanking is so widespread now it's become passe already. Horse masturbating is hip now.get things that are about pop, not horsecock, at Popbitch1. Horses can wank themselves, by flexing their wangs and then whacking them hard against their stomachs until they come.
2. Stud horses are given "willy washes" by grooms a few days before they have to perform stud duties. Going rate for grooms - £10 a wank.
3. Horse-masturbation is also a good way to keep their wangers clean (or at least this is what a reader's mother told him when he caught her wanking the family farm horses....)
4. Final proof that horse wanking is cool? Trudie Styler (Mrs Sting) personally masturbates the Sting family horses.
the bird doesn't sing anymore
Hey, look - Twilight Singers live and unreleased MP3s for only a few more weeks.I never realised they were realists
Hooray for television: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes on in the middle of a grey Saturday afternoon. Jane Russell looks like a 1950's cartoon, a girl drawn by Al Capp or Will Elder.one trimming from this week's parish circular
MISHEARD A&RFollow developments by registering at Rocking Vicar
Parishioner STEWART GREEN was wondering "if any parishioners could shed any light on the rumour that circulated after a particularly heated A&R meeting at V2's offices... with Richard Branson explaining to the quivering A&R types that they should be signing Motorhead as their contract with EMI was about up. After further debate and once RB had left the room, it was decided he meant Oxford miserabilists Radiohead. Any other possibles? Coldplay/Cold Chisel?"The Vicar: This sounds like a thread with possibilities. Any other A&R decisions made (or nearly made) by mistake. There was The Byrds' album which came out with the name "Untitled" because of a misunderstanding at CBS. Anything else?
Emma writes from the living room
So Long, Farewell
Well Kids, I am finally back (although there is a piece of my luggage
that
is still making the journey). I am sitting shivering in the loungeroom
of my
house wondering why I didn't ask the Big G for that extra week off that
he
awards all his favourite employees...
Anyway, there is still much to relate in this glorious tale of Emma and Anna's Excellent Adveture -a hilarious slapstick comedy that will making it to your local theatre soon! When I last left you we were in San Francisco. I forgot to mention then how cool San Francisco is and how comfortable I feel there. Out of all the places we visited I could live in New York and San Fran. We got asked if we were locals more than once and I got complimented on a skirt I was wearing four times in one day. It has funky houses, great public transport and I did not see one American flag t-shirt on anyone the whole time we were there.
Once Anna and I dragged ourselves out of the hostel we headed for Coit Tower. This would give us excellent views of San Fran and the harbour. Unfortunately there were a lot of stairs to climb to get to the hill it was on (we found out later we could have caught a bus, but The Bimbo Twins do not take the easy option). There were a lot of stairs and they were very steep so our vertigo got as much work out as our butts did. Once we finally made it up, we zoomed up the lift and were rewarded with panoramic views of the city and harbour. Rock.
After perusing a map we decided it wouldn't be too far to work to Russian Hill and "the crookedest street in the world". For a geography teacher I am really bad at reading scales on maps, so it was a fairly decent walk before we made it to the street that you would have seen in lots of movies and tv shows. We caught a cable car back to Union Square, driven by a maniac. He was a wannabe comedian tram-driver and Anna and I had short guest-starring roles. After making it to Union Square we went in to Rasputin Records where Michelle works. It is a very cool record store, so yes I bought stuff, then Anna and I hooned off to find more funky public stransport to ride.
San Fran does excellent wacky public transport. It has trams, street trolley cars, the muni which is a cross between a subway and tram system, as well as buses and ferries. Anna and I caught a clackety streetcar in order to get to Pier 39. Pier 39 is pretty touristy, but there are enough cool things to do there. The coolest thing it has is sea lions. They have made floating wooden platforms for them to lie on and there are dozens of snooky sea lions sunning themselves for our entertainment. "Arggh arggh": that is the noise they make, done best with clapping your hands together in an appropriate sea lion fashion. I did this quite a lot after we saw them.
Anna and I had purchased tickets for an hour ferry ride to Golden Gate Bridge and back, so we had to cut short the sea lion watching, gobble some food, and line up. The ferry ride was pretty cold (though not as cold as this stupid country- I want Summer back now!), but was lots of fun. The commentary was by Dan the Doofus and we took lots of photos and got in even more, because we stood right at the front of the boat in front of everybody. Heehee. The boat took us around Alcatraz, so we got a pretty good view of the place even thought we couldn't make it on the island. Once we made it back to land we only had a short time to make it back to Rasputin Records to meet Michelle again. On to the rattly squishy streetcar and we clacked along in the huge amount of peak hour traffic. The US does not have a concept of special lanes for public transport, which is a shame as all the public transport we took was really cheap, but often really slow. On the street car we chatted to some American tourists (who took us for locals). I was really mean and told them that the main diet for Australians was kangaroo.
Michelle took us back to her funky apartment where I admired the pile of books my flatmate had arranged that I would carry back (lucky I bought an extra bag in Vegas). She then took us to a wonderful Mexican restaurant where we ate and ate and ate but still couldn't finish our meals. Back to her house to watch my new favourite tv show, then Kurt and Michelle drove us back to our sucky hostel. From there it was packing and finally sleep.
At 5am the next morning B2 finally left me all by my lonesome. It was very sad that the Bimbo Twins had finally been separated. As I haven't heard from Anna since she left me, carrying all her crap, to try and catch three types of transport before making it to her next destination, I am assuming she has been hit by a bus. Email me Anna! I had to get a plane to LA at 9am, so I got to SF airport at 7.30am to discover that the woman who had supposedly booked me on to the flight had only put me on standby. Uh-oh. I was very tense and cranky, but luckily made it onto the first flight. I hadn't realised that I was going via Vegas and I wasn't looking forward to staying at that airport for an extended period of time. Did I mention that they have poker machines in Vegas airport? And lots and lots of scary rednecks?
The American West woman at Vegas was delightful and got me on the connecting flight and so I did manage to make it to LA on time. I called Brandon and he eventually came to pick me up. LA traffic I am sure you have all heard about, but is something else to experience. Lanes and lanes of gigantic cars driving slolwy because there are always traffic jams. I started coughing like a maniac as soon as we landed in LA. Brandon took me to a yummy Italian place for lunch (real bread! salad without bacon bits!) then to a park for frisbee. The park was directly below the Hollywood sign and was very fitting for my last day in the US. We had an excellent walk and conversation around Hollywood Reservoir, then we went to a friendly bar where I had a Pina Colada and Brandon had a White Russian. Perfect. Thanks Brandon.
Then to LAX which I actually thought was actually OK this time, until they stuffed up my luggage. I slept nearly the whole way home. Slept a bit more in the delightful Auckland airport. The person next to me from Auckland to Sydney was a teacher so we talked about report writing. Heeheehee.
Now I am back, actually awake, and one hour away from picking up a shitload of photographs. Hooray for me, I had a great time. Hooray for you, I won't be clogging up your inboxes anymore with mammoth mails (except for all the stuff that I forgot to tell you which I will send in PSs. Like the new monument I invented for the Washington Reflective Pool. It is a bit green, so I think they should have the Nixon Kreepy Krawly permantly running in it). Thankyou to everyone who assisted in making my holiday an enjoyable experience. Keep having an excellent time Anna.
Now I go to unpack my bag which has finally arrived.
Lots of love
Emma:)
from this week's Popbitch
William Shatner and his ex-wife have been arguing over their stallions' semen, which they share.avoid estrogen toxicity at PopbitchMarcy, the ex-Mrs Shatner took out a lawsuit against her husband in April because this year he provided their horses' spunk to her frozen.
Marcy insisted Shatner continue to supply the horse spunk as usual in "fresh cooled format".
--
Robbie Williams had dinner in Maxwells restaurant in Berlin last week. He left this message in their guest book:
"Thanks for the best thing I've eaten in Germany. Well, in a restaurant anyway."--
Female ferrets don't ovulate until they have sex, and they need really rough sex to stimulate ovulation. If they don't get it hard enough they can stay on heat indefinitely, the oestrogen levels keep building up and they usually die from oestrogen toxicity.
read today
Dan Clowes' stardust memories of the time his comic was an anthology. I think trimming it down to only the best stuff somehow makes the reading intense in a way that can be wearing - the issues used to be such a great mishmash of something great, something odd, something serialised - but the remastered colouring is shiny and exciting and the new strips are very fun. (And more than a little post-ACME.)
read today
Yeah, it's brain-squishingly genius, but where's that text story from his last TCJ interview? HMMM? What have you done for us lately, Woodring?
