from this week's Rocking Vicar
DJ BABBLEjoin the parish at Rocking Vicar dot com
A parishioner deep within the BBC (who must remain nameless) thinks it's time we resurrected the DJ Babble thread and offers this from Johnnie Walker's tenure on Radio Five's Am Alternative. Johnnie was interviewing Nigel Havers:
JW - "Joining me is Nigel Havers... You're looking great - God, you look really young!"
NH - "Yes, I've got a painting in my attic!"
JW - "What?"
NH - "A painting.... You know, Dorian Gray....."
JW - "What?"
NH - "Oscar Wilde?"
JW - "What, you've got a painting of Oscar Wilde in your attic?"
NH - "No, Johnnie, it's a rather famous book...."
JW - "Oh... " [the interview went downhill after this]UNCOOPERATIVE INTERVIEWEES
Parishioner Alexis Petridis: "Reading Parishioner Mark Hagen's recollection of interviewing Brian De Palma caused my memory to flood with the horror of interviewing Stephen Malkmus of Pavement in 1998. Throughout, he PLAYED A GAME OF SCRABBLE with a minion and never looked at me. Of course, what I should have done is leaned over, picked up the bag of tiles and spelled out Y-O-U W-A-N-K-E-R, but as is always the case, I only thought of doing that years later. However, earlier this year, I was delighted when my current employers commissioned an article from Malkmus, which was so badly-written it proved unpublishable. So all that Scrabble didn't appear to have done him much good, did it?"
Helen wanders in and looks at a tape
"What would they have to censor out of Walking With Cavemen?""Hairy little cave-penises?"
"Cave lady boobies?"
nicked from the Vic
ARTHUR LEE HASN'T LEFT THE BUILDINGobtain similar items legitimately from the Vicar
Parishioner Gavin Hogg: "About 10 years ago, Arthur was playing a gig in Liverpool and on the afternoon of the concert was doing an in-store signing at the local Our Price. When it was all over he enquired about the back exit from the store. One of the shop assistants pointed him in the right direction, through the back of the shop. You can imagine the surprise of the assorted Our Price employees when Mr.Lee was found a few minutes later, still struggling to climb into the dumbwaiter which linked the stockroom and shop floor! After being helped out, he was given a little extra assistance and, quite literally, "shown the door" with the exit sign above it, that he'd inexplicably missed on his first attempt. Perhaps this could start a new thread? 'Pop stars who mistake non-door related items for doors'. "LES NEMES LIVED HERE
Parishioner Paul: "Back in the early 80's, I went to look at a large, colonially veranda'd house with stone lions on the gate posts, in Riverdale Road in Twickenham, just across Richmond Bridge. Up for £72k or offers (weep) it was beyond any of us individually, but a joint purchse was being considered . After a while wandering unaccompanied through the large property, I got the whiff of previously pop-related proprietors - the amount of tour stickers on doors and particularly the fridge door, set me on the track - and finally a pile of brightly coloured two-tone lace up platform shoes pushed to one side in a pile confirmed this. The only other clues were a number of items labelled 'not for Wales' - (advice which I believe is still sound today). Finally, I found where the unanswered mail was dumped - and found an unopened tax return for Mr Ronald Lane. The house also had a wine cellar, which we explored and there in a corner, a number of framed photos of Ronnie and Rod on stage lay dumped. Being an honest chap, I left them there and regretted it ever since, as whoever bought the house (and removed the stone lions from the gate) probably chucked them out. I also regretted not being able to buy the house which is probably worth £1.5m today. These would probably have been the days preceeding his diagnosis with MS and it was stangely eerie to be walking around the deserted house of one of the members of my favourite 60's and 70's bands. I was also pleased to see he hadn't bothered opening the tax return."THET CRAZY ENGLISH SENSE OF HUMOUR
Parishioner Peter Paphides: "I don't know what 'strand' this comes under, but here goes... One summer's day a few years ago, one of my old work colleagues at Time Out invited us over to her house, where she and her husband were hosting a garden party. Among the guests were a scattering of London media folk, including a couple of scriptwriters, an author and Pär Wiksten, the lead singer of Swedish indie rockers The Wannadies. My wife and I shook hands with all of them, and thought little more of this illustrious al fresco gathering as we went in the kitchen and helped chop salad. Imagine my delight then, when the young daughter of one of the guests walked in complaining that it had turned a little cold. "Is there a cardigan about?" she asked her mum. Instantly, I sensed that complex planetary forces had aligned at this utterly unrepeatable moment, just for me to interject, "No!!! But there's a Wannadie in the garden!!!" So that's what I did. Alas, so shamefully amused was I by my own response that I disappeared under the table and wasn't seen until the main course."
Joel Biroco writes
KAOS 15 is at present in slothful production, and will be an unlimited print edition published by the Moon and Serpent. One of the more interesting bits of news here is that myself, Alan Moore, Steve Moore, and William Fancourt have incorporated The Moon and Serpent Grand Egyptian Theatre of Marvels as a commercial venture that will have a web presence. One of its first productions will be KAOS 15, followed afterwards by a number of projects, not solely restricted to book publishing.This next KAOS contains a huge and totally devastating article by Alan Moore that represents his most sustained, funny, and insightful view of the entire occult scene to date, even more so than the in-depth interviews published in Eddie Campbell's Egomania magazine and Jay Babcock's Arthur magazine. As I said to Alan after reading it: 'If KAOS 14 was throwing in the grenades, KAOS 15 will be bringing out the corpses.'
from this week's bumper edition of the Rocking Vicar
LEJS IN REDUCED CIRCSSubscribe at rockingvicar.com
Parishioner Graham Johns: "There was an excellent quote from an aged Howard Jones in The Mail last week as he posed with Heaven 17 (again, not ageing well), Martin Fry (ditto), Kim Wilde (ageless), China Crisis (half & half), Nick Heyward (Jesus!) & Carol Decker (gallantry forbids) for the launch of their "80's Legs in Reduced Circumstances" tour. He said, "In 1985 I filled out Madison Square Gardens. In 1987 I played to seven people in a hall in Switzerland. The least I could do was introduce myself to each of them individually.""YOU CAN'T SAY THAT IN ROCK AND ROLL ANYMORE"
Parishioner Ronald Hackston: "In the last Parish newsletter, parishioner Laxman was right to point out that the object of Mr Jagger's affections in "Stray Cat Blues" (henceforth to be known as Young Lady A.) is "only 15 years old". However, in the live version on "Get Your Ya Yas Out", the aforementioned scare-eye honey has become "only 13 years old". Perhaps this 2-year age drop was recommended by Mr Jagger's bassplayer, who has been known to have an eye for the younger ladies. In an interesting reversal, Sir Michael describes a potential conquest (Young Lady B.) as "she looked about 50" on his mid-90s retread of "Spider & The Fly", whereas on the original "she looked about 30". Could any parishioners who have parted with vast sums of money to see the Stones this year please keep an ear out to see if Young Lady A is now in single figures, and if Young Lady B is now of pensionable age. Actually if one works their ages out incrementally, Young Lady A would now be minus 53, and Young Lady B would be 56 and a half. A strange condundrum for Sir Michael to ponder as he whiles his days away at the Dunraven Home for the Bewildered..."DJ BABBLE
From A BBC Mole: "Liz Berkley (You and Yours R4 ), pretty hot on politics and consumer affairs but not too hot on the Rock and Roll, was presenting the afternoon show on Radio 5 Live a few years back, It was a Hendrix item and she had both surviving members of the 'Experience' present. All went well for most of the interview with the researcher in the cubicle passing on the questions to her via the talkback, at the end of the interview she thanked the boys then blew it big time with 'Lets finish with the man himself playing ''Voodoo Chilli'. ''SHOWING STARS THE DOOR
Parishioner Pamela Craddock: "Following Gavin Hogg's Arthur Lee story and request for other door related incidents I remembered the inaugural Kerrang Heavy Metal Awards (which I had helped organise). It was held in the crypt of the Notre Dame Church off Leicester Square. Ozzy Osbourne (way before MTV came a knocking) was being awarded some 'monolith of rock' award or other. He left the main room to find his way to the rather rancid toilets alone. Upon his return to a small hall which had one stairway to the exit, one door back to main room, the way he had just come and then a very ancient heavily locked door he proceeded in having a very major panic attack, vigorously attacking the locked door. Sharon then appeared on the scene and led the very confused Prince of Darkness back to his seat. I alone witnessed this and although I should have helped I just stood and gawped....."Parishioner Will Birch: "Back in 1982, when I was producing some stuff for Stiff, I had the honour of working with Desmond Dekker (of whom it was once said, his 'royalty' for 'The Israelites' consisted of a mohair suit, a Ford Zodiac and a gold-plated microphone). I digress. Desmond and I were due to have a meeting with Stiff boss, Dave Robinson. When I arrived at Stiff's offices in Woodfield Road, I found Desmond on the pavement outside. It was a freezing cold day and he was standing there shivering. 'What are you doing in the street, Desmond?' I enquired, and he replied, 'I got here early. Dave was in a meeting and he told me to wait outside.'."
ONE CAREFUL ROCKER
Parishioner Jane Garcia: "Although this doesn't exactly fit into your category of "Nearly Bought A House from a Rocker" just over 20 years ago, a friend of mine rented a house in the Hollywood Hills which boasted The Eagles' Glenn Frey as its previous tenant. (He was the one who played that showoffy double necked guitar in the "Hotel California" video so beloved of "The Old Grey Whistle Test.") She told me that in the bathroom medicine cabinet, she found a tube of prescription ointment, made out in Frey's name, for pediculosis pubis, better known as crabs. "
the gIVEgOODS, Hopetoun, 17/6/03
Somewhat shamefully, this album launch was the first time I've seen them since they were Tofu Cock, even despite Tom v. H. and Andy's personal urgings at Juanita Stein's Spanish Club show last month. Ms Stein was sadly unavailable for vocal duties tonight, due to a late booking on Rove for Waikiki, but Tom M. managed to reverse the gender-impersonating duets of Sneeze's Shaky Ground on those occasions when a female musician is unavailable, and take the "bitch" role.None of the songs are up to the level of Tom's best, or even average, work with Smudge, Sneeze or Lemonheads, but they're a good solid rock band (and even managed to pull off the extended blues jam without boring). It's not unfair that it'll be the all-star personnel of the album that gets them attention, but even if they don't make it to a second, the live line-up deserves to be appreciated. Catch them in a support slot near you (coming up: Waikiki and Evan Dando).
lifted from Popbitch
The new Sexual Offenses bill is being debated in the House of Lords. The bill at present contains a clause which makes it illegal to insert an animal's penis into one's anus or vagina. The Lords are now discussing whether this should be extended to outlaw the act of inserting a whole animal, such as a gerbil, up your arse.get your own at PopbitchBut it's not all bad - so far, the Lords are not proposing that masturbating an animal, or using one to masturbate with, should be an offense.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Penguins swim at an average speed of 15mph - faster
than olympic swimmers.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -You have to admire Simon Fuller. He is making more money from selling pre-teen nonce fantasies than anyone else on the planet. And yet he has the chutzpah to announce in a recent interview that "all paedophiles should be shot".
FYI:
1. Simon Fuller was the genius behind Baby Spice, the original paedo-popstar, before Britney, Tatu and all the rest.2. His band S Club 8 are aged from 11-14. In the video for their sultry love song New Direction ("Nude Erection" - geddit?) they wear sexy Arabian outfits, with the girls in sultry make-up.
3. American Juniors is his new US TV show. Children as young as six compete for a place in another Fuller paedo-pop outfit, the AJs.
4. According to non-paedo Fuller, Britney Spears' 12 year old sister Jamie Lynn is a "naughty little minx". Hmmm...
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At the foreign press promotion for Terminator 3
Arnold Schwarzenegger always had an assistant on hand
to hold his burning cigar while doing interviews.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -We are disgusted to hear of the toilet cubicle antics of Stereophonics drummer Stuart Cable.
At a recent Stereophonics party, Cable was stopped by a bouncer from using one of the cubicles because the flush was bust. Stuart shouted out that he used to be a plumber, rolled up his sleeves, got down on the floor and fiddled about in the cistern until it was fixed.
His only problem was a wooden part that he couldn't fit back on. Enter drug legend (and former carpenter) Howard Marks - who promptly sorted the wood out, leaving the toilet in perfect working order.
There used to be a time when you could rely on celebrities to use toilet cubicles for fucking underage groupies and hoovering gak. What's the world coming to?
(FYI: Stuart's mum is called Mabel Cable.)
Waikiki, Beach Road Bondi, 19/6/03
Those kids are short. We had three over-six-footers along, and even standing on the raised area around the bar, we couldn't see any more than the 5'5 shortarse in the group. Which is to say, we could all see the shadows of the drummers arms on the back wall.Great sound for somewhere not designed as a live venue, though. Fuck, great sound for somewhere that was.
John Coulthart advises
Hail To The Chimp: Moore Against The War
Or: take your pea-brained belligerence and shove it.In which our favourite Northampton writer polishes a razor-studded dildo then inserts it vigorously and repeatedly in the rectum of the Commander in Chimp...er, Chief, and gives a severe tooling to the other lackeys in the regime.
Any flag-worshippers out there who thought that Dubya's baby-killing jaunt in Eye-rack was a Good Thing (and that those would had the temerity to raise a voice in complaint were commies and traitors) had better start making a small pyre of their Moore comic collections right now. Because that's the only way you'll feel better after you've heard what Alan Moore has to say about the matter.
Read the article in ARTHUR no. 5, America's Best Mag, alongside Michael Moorcock, Patti Smith, David Byrne, Art Spiegelman and a host of others who refuse to be talked down to by morons in suits who think they own the world when some of them don't even seem to own 100% human DNA.
Free across the US from June 19th or as a PDF download here.
Graciously yours,
John Coulthart
sim: foxy
Remember when I used to quote stuff from Title Bout all the time? Better make hay while the sun shines:Quesada denies rumors that Jemas is the FF replacement; confirms Waid is “fired;” then takes a moment to specifically discount “rumors” about the EPIC line. This part is the only really compelling bit of this whole thing: there’s supposedly some alleged “Girlfriend” of a well-known comic creator associated with Marvel somehow who is apparently spreading rumors about the EPIC line, in this particularly over-heated prose. I don’t really know anything about this part of the story; all I know is Dave Sim’s probably laughing his crazy misogynist ass off. “WHO’S THE INSANE WOMAN-HATER NOW??? I AM!!! INSANE LIKE A WOMAN-HATING FOX!!!”
heavily trimmed from this week's Vicar
OUT OF THE CLOSET
Parishioner Jonny Collins: “Esteemed Vicar. Further to the Arthur Lee story, he obviously has a bit of a problem with doors. Love played the Colston Hall last June and, after the set, the band exited in front of the monitor mixer. But Arthur went back to get his hat. Not having any other band member to follow, he exited behind the mixer and headed for what he thought was the stage door but which those of us familiar with the hall know to be the piano cupboard. Just big enough to hold a Steinway grand and Arthur Lee. He gamely remained there until he heard the applause and nipped out to rejoin the returning band. Top fellow.”AT HOME WITH THE VANIANS
Sister Caitlin Moran: “Dear The Mysterious Vicar. House-hunting in Crouch End last week, we looked around wossit from The Damned's place – the one who was married to her out of The Sisters Of Mercy. As you'd expect, there was an imposing Gothic arch over the front-gate, over-grown with ivy, a formidable fence of medieaval-looking wrought ironwork separating the front garden from the back, and a statue of Buddha by the front door with half his head cut off, as if to illustrate the illusory nature of peace and tranquillity. For a moment, we thought we'd found the Citadel of Evil we craved. However, on further inspection we discovered that the wrought-ironwork was of plastic, there was a well-thumbed "Scott's of Stow" catalogue in the hallway (simple storage solutions in sleek teak always being one of Gothdom's lodestones) and, as if a memoir to rock excesses past, a single red sock stuffed in the hedge. Anyway their master-bedroom was a bit pokey so we didn't put an offer in.”The Mysterious Vicar once interviewed Dave Vanian and goth paramour of the time in a basement flat round the back of Finsbury Park tube station. Satanic organ music played from behind a screen, our boy sat theatrically among a collection of strangely-clothed mannequins and his Morticia-like pal drifted about dispensing Bloody Marys. They had a hearse parked outside.
PAUL IS DEAD
Parishioner Andy Durrant: “Re playground rumours. Sitting down one evening to a rented copy of 24 Hour Party People with Mrs Durrant, I was asked after the scene of Ian Curtis' suicide where the ice block was. It seems that if you went to school on the Wirral in the ‘80s, you were told that the erstwhile Stiff Kitten stood on a huge block of ice with a noose around his neck and waited for it to melt. (Sounds a bit like Laurie Anderson's stage act, if you substitute the noose for a violin).”YOU CAN’T SAY THAT ANYMORE!
Parishioner Graham Ross: “Unlike the Roy Harper track mentioned in last week’s newsletter, there is another song tantamount to a hymn to paedophilia that still receives official approval via regular rotation on London's Capital Gold (not my usual choice of station, but that's the problem with working in an 'older' office), namely Gary Puckett's Young Girl. I'm sure many of your parishioners will be familiar with the chorus, which runs "Young girl, get out of my mind/My love for you is way out of line/Better run, girl / You're much too young, girl", but the verses are possibly even more objectionable. Must we throw this filth at our pop late middle-agers?”Paul Carnahan: “Parishioner Sean French incorrectly hails Roy Harper as the only rock 'n' roller forced to remove a song from an album due to those pesky libel laws. There's at least one other, and he managed the feat twice. Step forward Scots provocateur Momus, who had to remove the very pervy Michelin Man from his Hippopotamomus album (which scored zero out of 10 in its NME review, and could probably fill the honourable vicar's 'You can't say that in rock 'n' roll any more' thread all on its own). He then suffered the indignity of pulling Wendy Carlos (if you'll excuse the expression) from his Little Red Songbook opus, after lawyers working on behalf of the former Walter Carlos stepped in. This resulted in the 'music portraits' (ie songs about fans, for cash) album Stars Forever, which was really rather good.”
MEMBERS CLUB
Parishioner Andy Durrant: “As well as 10cc, I'm sure that The Lovin' Spoonful took their name from the average volume of ejaculation - apparently 9cc. So, one louder.” The Vicar: “Thin White Rope, Pearl Jam ... were there any more of them?”PERPETUAL POP PULCHRITUDE
Parishioner Alun Probert: “Clare Grogan, obviously.”Parishioner Ronald Hackston: “Surely we'd have to include young Emmylou Harris here, even despite the white hair. And let's not forget Kate Bush, now a bit mumsy maybe, but she still looks like Kate Bush. Personally I was always a fan of the elfin charms of Laurie Anderson, she of the pixie face and vocoded voice. However since she became the commonlaw wife of Lou Reed, she seems to have "let herself go" a bit. Her leatherclad spouse, on the other hand, is looking remarkably fit and well for a pensionably-aged former drug-monkey. Could it be that Reed is some kind of vampire, siphoning off Laurie's lifeforce in order to maintain his own? He does wear a lot of black, too....”
Parishioner Mark Ellen: “Though generously lit, the fiftysomething rail-thin slide guitar operative Bonnie Raitt looked pretty well preserved from the back of the Hammersmith Odeon on Friday night. But the entire audience lost concentration when she dedicated a song to ‘a girl who’s out there tonight, my ole friend Lulu!’ We know the effect of the original pop pixie on the male of the species [see Vicars passim], but I’m here to tell you the sisterhood get very excited about her hair.”
DID WE DREAM THIS?
Barrie Cree: “I seem to have a vague memory of the wonderful Bootzilla being interviewed by the "oh so serious" and very nasal Melvyn Bragg for some sort of South Bank special on soul and funk? I think Bootsy taught Melvyn what the "one" was and how to find it? I also remember seeing an edition of the Ham & High (or Hampstead & Highgate Express as it prefers to call itself) which had a great picture of Bootsy out shopping in Crouch End with Dave Stewart. Bootsy was, of course, in full Star Child regalia although, I regret to say, was not also sporting his trademark Space Bass.”
Rose Hancock was in the lobby as I left work
sitting alone on a sofa. I could have been in there. Put in three years as a PA, wedding, year or two of marriage, cite intolerable cruelty (it'll probably be true, after all) and get away with a $90 million settlement. Hm.M. Ward, Hopetoun, 23/6/03
I'd not heard anything by the feller before (except, unknowingly, that "he only sings when he's sad" song - probably on an Uncut or something), but attended on the some-months-ago urging of Mr Ade Heathen, of London. By the time of this final show, I'd already missed his original Saturday gig and a secret show with Folk Implosion on the Friday night, due to dodgy shifts and exhaustion. And he just about made up for it. A little too much attention to "look at the amazing things I can do with my delicate voice" as opposed to "hear me express my words in a meaningful way" for my taste, but his playing was gorgeous. Though he did have to apologise for constant retuning, not being able to bring three guitars on tour all the way to Australia.The shyest person I've seen onstage since Tricky seven years ago, too - he held a hand in front of his face when talking to the audience, and kept both mics low enough that he had to hunch while singing and only show the top of his head.
John Coulthart writes of Avatar's Yuggoth Cultures
"Good to see Nightjar surfacing at long last. However, before anyone gets too excited about the rest, this won't be the complete Yuggoth Cultures book by any means. Yuggoth Cultures was what The Courtyard and other pieces were from originally, a book of fiction and non-fiction pieces based around Lovecraft's Fungi from Yuggoth sonnet cycle that was Alan's take on the Cthulhu Mythos. The reason it didn't appear as scheduled from Creation Books is because Alan left the only copy of the MS in a London taxi on November 5th 1993. I can be precise about this as I met him in a pub shortly after, with James from Creation and some other people. He was supposed to be reading from some of the stories in a Soho club that evening and had to get the early chapters of Voice of the Fire from the Gollancz offices instead. Alan was understandably aggrieved at this and so was I since I'd done a cover painting for the book and was set to provide illustrations as well. My cover painting can be seen here."Two short pieces--Recognition and Zaman's Hill--were published in the Creation reader, Dust, in 1995. There are 36 sonnets in Lovecraft's original cycle so you can work out for yourself how much of Alan's work we've missed with the loss of this. Theoretically the original manuscript could still be out there somewhere but it's more likely to be sleeping with Cthulhu by now."
from Popbitch this week
Britain's new sexual offences bill clamps down on stuff like having sex outdoors and fucking animals or corpses.subscribe at PopbitchHowever, it's OK if you're a policeman. We've just received a report about a dog handler in the Devon and Cornwall Police who masturbates his police dog, an alsation, to ejaculation, on the 15th of every month (his payday). He claims it stimulates the dog, both physically and mentally.
(FYI: an amendment to the bill from Baroness Noakes reads: "Page 32, line 1, leave out 'genitals' and insert "penis"')
Emma writes from Auckland
"Hello Christopher
"We are in wet and rainy NZ. I have found my watch (in my pocket) and the
woman at the hostel says I can get an email replacement for my card. We are already having
adventures, I even had my bag searched by customs (bloody pavlova eggs)."Bugner is protecting our luggage. He looks fierce."
Emma and Anna write from Auckland
Emma and Anna's Travel Tips
Tip OneThis one is from Anna. She highly recommends checking into the correct airline. It saves both time and embarrassment.
Tip Two
This one is from me. Don't lose stuff. It saves both time and embarrassment (especially when you discover you were holding it all the time).
Tip Three
Don't travel with pavlova eggs. They come up as grenade looking shapes in the airport x-ray and result in you having your bag searched. It is also recommended that you don't ask the customs person whether they have heard of pavlova (we passed several Pavlova Magic stores on exiting the airport).
Tip Three
This is the big one. Anna and I have invented the concept of being designated bimbo for the day. We each take turns playing the bimbo. This means you have to ask all the dumb questions so the person answering them can point to a sign right next to them that has the answer. I had a very successful bimbo day yesterday, which not only saw us navigating the treacherous paths of Auckland, but also saw us saving a whole $10! People give you discounts if they feel sorry for you.
Tip Four
Up here for thinking, down there for everything else.
Hope you are all not missing us too much. Today in wet and miserable Auckland we have tried to piece together a jigsaw puzzle and bought strepsils. Yesterday we walked down the main street and ate yummy Chinese food. Soon we will get on a big aeroplane to go to Sunny California. Hooray.
