Malkatraz prepares for Art School


"[Graphic novels are] not a form I know anything about
– I only found out a few weeks ago that there are even
stores that sell comics. I missed this."

Jimmy Cauty's stamps of mass destruction

T: TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

From Shop Talk: The Essential Vocabulary of the "Adult Novelty" Store, at Nerve by Nicky Beer:
My favorite dirty-movie title of all time is Girls Who Suck Cock and Eat Cum. Consider how much subterfuge and symbolism usually exist in the title of a novel, a poem, a painting. The title has to be a well-chosen phrase or word, the purpose of which is to seduce, deceive and enlighten. Often, it seems counterintuitive to its content. The Wizard of Oz is about a hallucinating Midwestern girl named Dorothy. According to any museum-going grade schooler, the decorously titled "Dejeuner Sur L'Herbe" should be called "Naked Chick Picnic." The relationship between title and content, or language and being, is one of friction and subversion. The name of a sex toy can't contain its possible uses or determine the gender or sexuality of its owner. The title is never shorthand for the story. The name is never a substitute for the person. The term is not the desire.
(Although that's a pretty persuasive hallucination, given that she starts taking her whole family back and forth between Oz and Kansas in the later books.)

ready.pop

interview with Paul Kelly, 1987

FOUND IN PRESERVATION. RUSHES TO 21:51 THEN ATMOS FROM 23:07 TO 29:54. PAUL KELLY CLIMBS A LADDER TO A ROOFTOP, TWICE. THE CAMERA WHEELS AROUND CRAZILY BEFORE FOCUSING ON A CLAPPERBOARD, THEN STAGGERING OFF DRUNK AGAIN. A MEDIUM LONG SHOT OF THE INTERVIEWER AND KELLY TALKING, MUTE (PRESUMABLY FOR V/O INTRO). FINALLY THE INTERVIEW OCCURS, A ONE-CAMERA JOB THAT ATTEMPTS TO PAN BETWEEN FEMALE INTERVIEWER AND KELLY, FREQUENTLY FAILING. WHEN HE DOESN'T ANSWER ONE QUESTION IN TIME, THEY CUT AND ASK AGAIN. TALKS ABOUT PLAYING LUBBOCK, TEXAS - HOME OF BUDDY HOLLY - AND BEING BAFFLED BY THE PROMO PIZZA PARTY THE LABEL HAD THEM PLAY...THEN TWO DAYS LATER SEEING "LA BAMBA", WHICH CONTAINS A PIZZA PARTY GRIN'N'GRIP. WHILE DISCUSSING CHANGING THE NAME OF THE COLOURED GIRLS FOR THE U.S., THE SCREEN GOES BLACK DUE TO FILM RUNNING OUT. SOUND KEEPS RUNNING WHILE THEY RELOAD. OFFERS SPORTS JOURNALISM AS AN ALTERNATIVE CAREER. CAMERA PANS TO BOOM AFTER INTERVIEW CLOSES. MORE MUTE MLS, & MCU, WITH HARBOUR BRIDGE IN B/G. THEN MUTE SHOTS FROM ROOF OF KELLY APPROACHING BUILDING, SHOTS OF AUSTRALIAN FLAG BLOWING IN WIND WITH WILD SOUND, NODDIES OF CUT-DOWN VERSIONS OF THE QUESTIONS FROM THE INTERVIEW. INTERVIEW HAS AWESOME SHAPED 80S HAIR. "FOR THE STATES YOU CHANGED THE NAME OF YOUR BAND FROM THE COLOURED GIRLS WLAH WLAH WLAH WLAH WLAH... I'M DOING IT AGAIN."

we love the Iraqi Information Minister

GTK 685, 21/06/1975

INTERVIEW WITH FRANK ZAPPA (ON TOUR IN AUSTRALIA) - WHOLE PROGRAMME. DISCUSSES CENSORSHIP OF HIS ALBUMS IN AUSTRALIA, LIMITATIONS OF PREVIOUS MOTHERS DRUMMERS, WANTING TO MAKE A SCIENCE-FICTION FILM ABOUT A GIANT SPIDER, A WOMAN 8 FEET TALL AND A CONMAN FROM EARTH... THE USUAL STUFF.

necrophilia expansion

Following on from yesterday's Popbitch, the people of the V have started dissecting the proposed new legislation against sexcrime1984 in the UK. Worth reading for the statute excerpts, let alone the mockery.

instant Millionaire

lots of stuff from this week's Popbitch

Necrophilia is about to get banned in Britain. The forthcoming Sexual Offences Bill includes a clause that will, for the first time, make it a crime to have sex with a corpse.

So girls, only a few months left before it's illegal to shag Mick Jagger.

(FYI: Morticians will be exempt from this law. As will those who penetrate any part of a dead body "fully believing the person to be alive, but who is in fact dead, or unexpectedly dies during intercourse".)

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In German, vaginal discharge is "sheidenflusskeit".
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Weird runt Emma Bunton is gunning for a new record deal. Simon Fuller's 19 Management have so far footed the bill for her new song and video.

Her promo photos are a work of art. Rather than the stumpy Mekon we know so well, there's a sun-kissed blonde with Jerry Hall legs. Fuller must still love her a lot, as the digital retouching bill alone was £24,000.

Emma rather confusingly describes her new record as: "very 60s, very classic, very contemporary".

In truth it is just very shit.

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Queen used to regularly hire out brothels for
their road crew. Which is nice.
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Which popstar is currently wearing a diamond ring given to her by her Britpop boyfriend... sadly oblivious to the fact that, before he gave it to her, he inserted it into the snatch of his OTHER girlfriend?

Which daughter-of-rockstar shagged her boyfriend with a strap-on... and then later invited people to smell it?

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smoke if you got 'em

2131 in the house

mp3s against war



back after a week off, the Rocking Vicar

TOM WAITS FOR NO ONE
Parishioner Ben McCormick: “Ronald Hackston has opened up a can of worms with his “Tom Waits” TV programme idea. There's a host of potential shows fronted by pop personalities just waiting to be produced. Here’s a few:
“Crispian Mills” – Kula Shaker frontman grinds corn while bleating on about his gap year in India.
“Will Powers” – The mild-mannered king of self-help dance/rock wanders around plugging things in with confidence.
“Ben Folds” – Weekly origami programme brought to you from Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
“Django Bates” – The founder of Loose Tubes goads members of the public until they lash out at him.
“Kenny Rogers” - 'Adult' country and western series on Channel 5
“Britney Spears” – The teen superstar runs amok in a mall with a javelin.
“Jake Burns” – Sinister series which sees the former Stiff Little Fingers singer set fire to a member of a celebrity panel as voted for by the viewing public.
“Alicia Keys” – The sultry soulstress scrapes the cars of the rich and famous.
“Mike Peters” – A show fronted by the former Alarm crooner that starts off reasonably well but fades into obscurity as the series goes on.”

THE SOAP/ROCK INTERFACE
Parishioner Andrea Mullaney: “The best ever Corrie/indie rock crossover was when Curly Watts was trying to impress some hippy eco-warrior friend of Spider's by pretending to be down with the kids. Quoth the hippy chick: "Oh, I love the Super Furry Animals." Curly chips in: ‘Yeah, me too, I love all woodland creatures.’ Fantastic.”

“LOCK THE DOORS. I WANT A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE”
Parishioner Ian Fortnam: “A promoter acquaintance of mine once booked former New Wave Of British Heavy Metal favourites Samson to play in the hall above a large pub in Southend on a busy Saturday night. They had, by this stage of their career, lost their notorious drummer Thunderstick – who sported a tassled rapist's mask and preferred to play from within the confines of a cage – and their not-so-notorious vocalist Bruce Dickinson who had long since run to the hills with Iron Maiden.
But hey, what could go wrong? The road crew-free Samson arrived at five, sound-checked and headed for the pub downstairs where they set about drinking themselves Dutch until showtime. At ten o'clock my friend struggled through the heaving mob to Samson's table and as the band leapt to their feet and started doing the whole palm-slapping, 'Rock 'n' roll! Hello Cleveland' business that bands invariably do before gigs, they had to be politely told that their services were no longer required.
They were told that despite blanket fly-posting and all the usual ads in the local rags, they had sold no tickets whatsoever, and upstairs was, aside from the barman, completely empty. The band protested that they had incurred expenses and insisted upon their full £200 fee, but after heated negotiation elected to accept fifty. Shrugs were exchanged, hands shaken and the band returned to their drinking until closing time.
When, at midnight, Samson had finally packed all their gear away, one member skulked up for his fifty quid and on receipt of the loot is alleged to have uttered the immortal words: "We've had a good night tonight, any chance of coming back?"
An offer that was diplomatically, yet firmly, refused.”

Of course, that origami show would really be shot in Adelaide, South Australia. Get the full Vicar every week by supplying your email address at the website.

King Boy D enters civic planning

not photoshopped. and made by Bill Drummond

from this week's Popbitch

Mariah Carey has a "Positioner" on her staff. He accompanies her everywhere, and his only job is to get her into the right position every time she's on camera.

(FYI: her correct "position" while doing interviews is: leg nearest camera out straight, other leg bent, one arm over chair/sofa, tits out, pointed at camera. Watch next time and check)

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Pandas compete with each other to see who can
take a piss highest up a tree.
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Labia reduction, parts tightening and asshole bleaching are old hat in LA now. The new genital modification to boast about is Labial Saline Infusion.

Saline is injected into the labia to swell them up, so a woman can feel what its like to have bollocks. And if the clitoris is also injected, a small penis too. The swelling lasts for several hours.
http://www.bmezine.com/extreme/free/cmhurt/labial.html

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Moroccan government has offered 2000 trained
monkeys to US to help detonate landmines. Bet
they're useless and just hump each other.
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EVE Satisfaction
Producer Dr Dre's career was launched in late 1980s when in return for $900 from Eazy-E to pay parking tickets he agreed to produce a record for him.

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when did Nightwing kill the Joker?

Locking:
"Fellow JLA members, I'd like you to welcome a new member to the team - Captain Sensible. Captain, can you tell us what you'll be doing today?"

"Well Superman, first I'm going to go to Arkham Asylum and execute anybody I find in there, inmate or guard, and then I'm going to go and grab my good friend Green Lantern, whereupon we will travel to a distant solar system and destroy the planet Apokalips. And then I'm going to put some fucking pants on Robin."

mearrr

the Heather Of Pain is in effect, y'all

So Dan Evans is at a party and after he gets knocked over by a lesbian catfight and ths guy breaks a bottle on the bar, Tori Spelling comes running in crying that House Of Pain are outside beating up Shannon Doherty's boyfriend, and by the time Shannon broke Danny Boy's nose it was the best party ever.

be lert and larmed

Many more inspiring images available from the White House.

make my bum look big in this

The New York Times has an interview with Robert Crumb accompanying a fashion spread illustrated by him - Aline Kominsky-Crumb modelling the latest haute couture.

Yeah, it's NYTimes.com, you'll have to sign in and possibly register. Sorry about that.

shrinkage wasn't the problem

from this week's This Week In Sex

According to a 1950s study by Albert Kinsey, fourteen percent of men in rural America had their first sexual experience with an animal. Call us crass, but we've got a hunch those figures are higher in Canada. So really, the Canada Agriculture Museum brought its ignominy upon itself. Sure, we understand why staff members were a bit disturbed when they discovered a sixty-year-old man being fellated by two cows, but did they honestly expect they could just leave cows lying around without someone turning to them for oral sex? That's like when you go out to a bar, and it's crowded, and you're like, "Oh, I can put my bag down here for a minute, no one will touch it, right?" And then you come back and — look at that! — your bag is gone, and you have no one to blame but yourself, you careless bitch. What really puzzles TWIS are the mechanics of the situation. See, imagine a man. Okay? Now imagine a cow. Got it? Now, the cow's a lot bigger, right? How does the man get his crotch to the same level as the cow's head? Does he stand on something, and if so, isn't that dangerous? Does he make the cow lie down? How? What kind of line would work on a cow? Furthermore, what kind of line would work on TWO cows? Maybe these were specially trained dick-sucking cows? That would explain a lot.
more comedic carnal current affairs in This Week In Sex

from this week's Popbitch

Mayor of London Ken Livingstone told fellow guests at a recent dinner party that he loves going for walks in the countryside, "Because you can have sex against the trees". Bleurgh.

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Check out Christina's Beautiful video. She has
hobbit feet.
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"A mate and I met Mariah Carey in London this week. A vision of blonde, tanned perfection, resplendent in denim and bling bling gold jewellery, Mariah appears to be COMPLETELY bonkers, bless her.

"After failing to record a television message for the fourth time, her people ushered her out the door, saying, "Mariah needs Mariah time!"

"Ten minutes later Mariah reappears, with a huge, blissed-out smile on her face and said, "Oakey doakey smokey", as she walked past us.

"We thought she was dead nice, not a bitch at all, but looked deeply unhappy and troubled, and kind of worn out.

"She is also the tallest woman I have ever met."

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mistachuck won't pay fifty cents

Chuck D writes:
Problem is that this NY-LA pimp biz mentality didn’t ask ALL the streets, they’re telling and programming them. At the tail end of those same streets are the businesses of jail and death. They could care less about the streets in betwixt. The one sided control of sepia images the past 10 years has the masses Pavlov- trained into actually thinking there’s little wrong with being abused, like the wife who gets repeatedly beat down by the man she still loves more with every ass whipping. The slave who proudly places his master’s last name on his first after being whipped to say it, while not being able to spell it. Trained to love the level and status of nigger granted by his master’s ideology while daring all to challenge that love. Whereas the first 12 years of recorded rap reflected the love of hip hop, the artists rhymed love, spread love like BOB MARLEY and thus got love from the peeps. Rap was a passport to visit other hoods representing love in the words thus reconnecting the thought of ‘FAM’ aka family. Now the family for rappers is the corporate pimped pseudo-record companies they spit for. Many no longer rhyme for the people they cointelpro against the folk.
Full essay and more commentary in the latest Terrordome.

lifted out of this week's Rocking Vicar

FROM THE MAKERS OF "TOM WAITS"
Parishioner Ronald Hackston: "In addition to my upcoming 'Tom Waits' docusoap, or 'rockusoap', as it were, here's a few more projects currently in development:-
1) 'Bill Withers': a slo-mo "art" film showing the gradual shrinkage of a soul singer's post- tumescent member. 2) 'Lou Reads': a new South-Bank style book review show presented by a surly man in leather jacket and shades, droning on about Hubert Selby Junior and Delmore Schwartz. While doing power chords quite loudly. 3) 'Muddy Waters': ultralow budget indoor gardening show fronted by an elderly bluesman. 4) 'Wreckless Eric': to raise money for charity, the former Derek & The Dominoes frontman goes on a three-day sponsored drinking binge, then drives around residential areas at speed until he passes out at the wheel."

"LOCK THE DOOR, WE WANT A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE"
Parishioner Jasmine Reid: "In '94 I saw Ash play Hull University Union, as support to Elastica, to a crowd that varied from a 'high' of 11 down to a low of 5."

THE ROCK AND ROLL PENSION PLAN
Parishioner James Barnes: "Writ small in the footnotes of Punk is the living legend in his own lunchtime ex A&M A&R man Tony Burdfield. For 'twas he who signed the Sex Pistols to Mr Alpert's label (he appears briefly in the The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle as the band sign-up outside Buck House helpfully pointing out the contract - 'Come on lads - over 'ere on the table'). Lest we mock, the man has 50 copies of God Save the Queen on the A&M label stashed away for his retirement."

THE UNMENTIONABLE
Sister Roberta Chapman. "Surely the greatest of all banned records is Max Romeo's 1969 tribute to nocturnal emissions, Wet Dream, a title so disgusting that the Beeb couldn't even bring themselves to mention it by name on the chart rundown. Just to, er, rub things in it hung around the lower reaches of the top 30 for ages. For the first few weeks, as I recall, Alan Freeman would say "at number eighteen a record by Max Romeo". After a few weeks this was simply amended to "at number twenty six Max Romeo". Oh by the way Serge Gainsbourg's Je T'Aime was in the top ten at exactly the same time. Never rains but it pours. So to speak. "

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andy depressant writes

the givegoods (Tom Morgan.John Fenton.Andy Calvert.Tom Van Heesch) are playing a free gig at Manning Bar (Syd.Uni) because the children are our future.

!!!!!1PM-2PM, APRIL FOOLS DAY(1/4/3) FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

featuring various appendages and members of (like you really give a fuck) Smudge, Sneeze, Crow, Box Freezer Romance, Whopping Big Naughty, Gary David and Half-Miler. (and not one of them a "the" band)

pass it on

waldo?

no sledging